TITLE: The Quiz Show
AUTHOR: Jos Mous
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters unfortunately. I'm also not making any money.
PAIRINGS: Ah. Sam/Brooke implied, maybe.
NOTE: Between playing "Sonic Adventure 2 Battle", trying to get rid of my writer's block and thinking about a sequel for "Just Call Me Sam", the following rather insane idea came to me. Please note that the words "DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY" are stamped all over this fic in big shiny red letters.
The class fell silent as Ms Glass entered the classroom. This was quite an unusual occurrence. Normally, the class couldn't give a damn about their teacher's presence. This time, however, was slightly different if only because Ms Glass wasn't wearing her normal white labcoat but was wearing a sparkly purple labcoat instead.
Emory Dick, the self-proclaimed smartest guy of the class, managed to get his brainwaves under control first and managed to utter the always-eloquent
"All right people, pack up your books and follow me," Ms Glass said. "We're going to have a different class right now."
Still too overwhelmed to resist, the students dutifully put their books away and followed Ms Glass.
They were led to the cafeteria. Or at least, to the place previously known as the cafeteria. Strange multi-coloured lights filled the sky, giving it the look of a tacky sunset and someone had put up a really tacky decor. The words "Signs of Stupidity" were painted all over the walls.
"McPherson, McQueen, Vangough, Moodyss, sit over there!" Ms Glass barked. The editor-in-chief of the school newspaper, the captain of the cheerleading squad, the star player of the girls' soccer team and the foreign exchange student all took their seats behind a table marked "Jury".
"Ford, John, Bernadino, you're over there!"
The three guys took place at a table showing the words "The Male Machos".
"What's going on here?" Harrison asked.
"Shut your trap!" Ms Glass yelled. "Ferrera, Cherry and Fresh, over there!"
The three girls sat at the table marked "Multi-Cultural Bimbos".
"The rest of you in the audience, NOW!"
Every remaining student quickly fled to the audience seats, mainly to get away from Ms Glass.
The teacher glared at everyone within her vicinity, which was everyone. "Now then," she said, her voice trembling with something that sounded like repressed anger. "I take it some of you will remember sensitivity camp from not too long ago, am I right?"
A shudder went through all assembled in response.
"So you remember then," Ms Glass said with some satisfaction. "Unfortunately, certain elements of our student body have not learned their lesson yet." Her head snapped over the Male Machos. "Mr John, is it not true that you have severed all ties with Sam ever since you found out she was gay."
"That was a rhetorical question Harrison!" Ms Glass said. "And you, Josh and Michael."
"And you, Josh and Sugar Daddy, did you not show a Penthouse centrefold to our poor foreign exchange student Agnes and asked her opinion on said centerfold's and I quote "tits and pussy"?"
"It was just a bit of fun," Josh said.
"Then I didn't get the joke!" Ms Glass said. The enraged Biology teacher turned around and glared at the Multi-Cultural Bimbos. "Mary Cherry, you shoved a bible in Brooke's face when you discovered her sexuality, did you not?"
"Ah did," Mary Cherry said grinning.
"And it hurt like Hell too," Brooke muttered.
"Popita, you hounded Lisa about her habit of dating her fellow soccer players and tried to make her stop."
"I did it in the spirit of my abstinence group," Popita said.
"Really? I don't see you following the football players around and they're much worse. And finally Carmen, you proclaimed homosexuality to be just plain wrong."
"Well, I never actually said."
"Inconsequential!" Ms Glass said. "All of you have displayed despicable behaviour and for that, you will be punished."
Harrison swallowed uncomfortably. "How?"
"You will see soon enough."
The normal cafeteria lights went on, flooding the room with white light and making everyone blink furiously.
"Yeeees," Vice Principal Krupps announced over the intercom. "Welcome to another thrilling instalment of our hit quiz show "Signs Of Stupidity". We have rounded up six of the school's worst homophobes and are now pressuring them into re-evaluating their opinions. They will be judged by our panel of professional lesbians. They alone will decide if their stupidity is even remotely curable. And now, here's our host, give it up for Ms Roberta Glass!"
Applause filled the cafeteria. It went on for quite some time too. Everyone was too scared to be the first person who stopped.
"Thank you, thank you," said game show host Glass, her anger seemingly subsided. "Everyone has already been introduced, so let's go straight to."
"Question 1," said VP Krupps.
"Yes indeed, question 1. Now then, for one point, here is the question." Ms Glass quickly glanced at her card then back at everyone in general. "Why do lesbians use strap-ons if they could just get a guy to do it instead?"
"Harrison, Male Machos," said VP Krupps.
"Err. Because lesbians are too intimidated by real men to even approach them, so they substitute."
Ms Glass looked blankly at Harrison for a beat. "Well. judging from the sudden outburst of laughter coming from the judges' table I think we can consider that answer to be wrong."
"Idiot," hissed Josh.
"What? You though it too," said Harrison.
"But I didn't say it. That makes all the difference."
"And for question 2 we have a true-or-false question," said Ms Glass. "God hates lesbians. True or false?"
"Mary Cherry, Multi-Cultural Bimbos."
"False," Ms Glass said. "Ignoring the fact that in the original Hebrew there's not even a word for "homosexuality", closer scrutiny of the so-called "condemning texts" proves that there is, in fact, nothing that claims homosexuality to be a sin. It's only because of types like Falwell that this myth came into being. Next question."
"Yes, thank you Krupps. Another true-or-false. All lesbians have short haircuts, drive trucks and overall look like men."
"Josh, Male Machos."
"True?" Josh hazarded.
"Let's take a look at the jury," said Ms Glass.
The jury looked at each other.
"Well." Brooke started.
"I meant that literally," Ms Glass said. "I mean, look at them, do any of them look like truck drivers?"
"Yo, maybe it's cuz they're not the real thing," Sugar Daddy contributed.
"Can I deduct points for that remark?" Sam asked.
"Unfortunately, no," said Ms Glass. "So let's move on."
"Provided they have never been with men before, can lesbians lose their virginity?"
"Sugar Daddy, Male Machos."
"Course not. The hymen don't get broken."
"Hmm," Ms Glass said. "Highly subjective answer. Let's take a look at our jury for this one. Jury?"
"Well." said Agnes slowly. "I have had. community with someone several times so. I don't think I'm a virgin."
"I know I'm not a virgin," said Lisa. "How about you guys?" she asked, looking at Sam and Brooke.
The two blushed. Sam coughed.
"We're getting there," Brooke muttered.
"Jury? What's it going to be?"
"Wrong," said Lisa.
"You heard her. Next question."
"Is lesbianism morally wrong?"
"Popita, Multi-Cultural Bimbos."
"Only if they've had sex before marriage."
The jury put their heads together for some immediate discussion. After a few moments, Sam cleared her throat.
"We've decided that this may indeed be the viewpoint of some Christian lesbians out there, but since gay marriage is still not fully recognised this becomes difficult. We have therefore decided to give the Bimbos half a point."
"All right," said Carmen and high-fived Popita, while the audience applauded.
"Our final question. Can lesbians ever experience true love? And before you say anything, Mr John, I mean with another lesbian or bisexual woman."
The candidates were silent as they pondered this.
"The clock is ticking, people," Glass said.
Carmen reached out for her buzzer, then pulled her hand back.
"10 more seconds."
"Uhm." said Josh, before doing nothing.
"Sorry, time's up," Ms Glass said. "The answer, obviously, is "yes they can" or a variation thereof."
"I knew that," Carmen said.
"Sure you did," said Ms Glass. "Well then, and now for today's winners. Calvin?"
"Today's winners are none other than the Multi-Cultural Bimbos! They win with an entire half point. Congratulations!"
Applause filled the cafeteria once again.
"Well done, Bimbos," Ms Glass said. "Now then, what have we learned today?"
"To respect our fellow. person for who they are?" Josh hazarded.
"Wrong. We have learned that if you act like a homophobe, you'll only end up looking stupid. And with those words we end our show. Tune back in next week for more idiots right here in the benches of Sings Of Stupidity! Good night folks!"
Question 1 was an actual question of an actual person who actually visited one of the forums I sometimes frequent. He was a great inspiration for this little piece of cra. fic.
Lisa Vangough is a character I borrowed from one of my favourite webcomics, Venus Envy.
Agnes Moodyss is a character from the movie "Fucking Amal", released in America under the name "Show Me Love". However, the Agnes in the movie doesn't appear to have a last name, so I gave her the last name of the director of the movie and took away the "-on".
Yes, the ending does suck. I am completely aware of that. My apologies.
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