TITLE: Because of Quantum
Author: Jos Mous
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own anything and I’m not making a profit.
RATING: PG-13 to R
NOTE: I don’t know a lot about sub-atomic physics, which means this little piece is probably riddled with all kinds of mistakes. More seriously, though, is the fact that this lack of knowledge has resulted in this little piece.
“And what do we think we are doing?” Chem Glass asked in a voice that spelled doom.
Sam and Brooke quickly broke lip contact.
“It wasn’t our fault,” Sam quickly said.
“Oh I suppose that, whilst sitting, one of you managed to trip and fall onto the other’s lips,” said Glass.
“Oh no,” said Sam. “But, well, you know how, given the nature of particles, it is impossible to say with certainty in what state particles are as long as they are unobserved, which means that they are in waveform –essentially being in both either and neither state- until observation occurs at which point the waveform collapses. Clearly the same thing went on here. Whilst Brooke and I were unobserved we were both in a productive and an unproductive state. However, the moment you observed us, our waveform collapsed, presenting only a single state, in this case the productive one. So really, we couldn’t help it.”
“So now you’re implying it was my fault you two lip-locked?” said Glass. “If I didn’t observe you, you wouldn’t be just kissing?”
“Basically,” said Sam.
“Miss McPherson, that was one load of very impressive pseudo-scientific nonsense, so I’ll let you off the hook. Miss McQueen, you have detention.”
Sam punched the air in triumph. Brooke just pouted.
Brooke raced home. Detention had separated her from Sam for too long a time and she was trying to get home as soon as possible to make the not-with-Sam time as short as possible.
However, a police officer turned out have other ideas.
“So, are we aware how fast we were going?”
“Godfrey?” said Brooke. “Is that you?”
Agent Godfrey was briefly derailed, but managed to get back on track. “I’m giving you a ticket here, so if you could just pretend you don’t know me it’ll be easier for both of us.”
“Oh, well, in that case, no I don’t know how fast I was going.”
“Well then, let me tell you…”
“No, you can’t tell me either,” said Brooke, “since it is absolutely impossible to accurately determine the position and speed of anything at any given time. So since you don’t know how fast I was going you can’t possibly fine me.”
Officer Godfrey sighed. “You know, if I had a nickel every time somebody tried to get out of a speeding ticket using Heisenburg’s Uncertainty Principle I’d have 20 cents by now. But alright, while I couldn’t pinpoint your exact speed and position at any time, I could determine that you were going at a certain speed over 25 mph while being somewhere between the start and the end of a 25 mph zone. This means you were speeding and you get a ticket.”
Brooke just pouted.
At the Palace, things didn’t go very well either. After saying a cheery “hello” to the parentals, Brooke noticed their icy glares.
“So, I hear you got detention,” said Mike.
“Err… yes,” said Brooke.
“Why?” Jane asked.
“Because I was making it with Sam during Chemistry,” said Brooke.
“Then why didn’t she get detention?” Mike asked.
“Because she managed to blame it all on Glass,” Brooke answered.
“Well, you know what this means, right?” said Jane.
“I’m grounded?” Brooke said, with a tinge of quiet hope.
“That’s right,” said Mike. “Mary Cherry and Nicole won’t be dragging you away to go shopping any time soon.”
“However, to make sure you’re not going to spend all that free time in your bedroom with Sam, we’ll make sure to always lock the door behind you,” said Jane.
Brooke just pouted.
Brooke was still pouting, as she made her homework by the light of her desk lamp. Suddenly, Brooke’s pencil went flying when someone tapped on her shoulder. Turning around, Brooke saw that it was Sam. Sort of. She was pretty sure it was Sam, although Sam usually didn’t look that blurred. After a while, Sam refocused into a clearly visible single entity.
“OK, what just happened and how did you get into my room?” Brooke asked.
Sam, grinning, flopped down onto the bed. “Ever heard of Heisenburg’s Uncertainty Principle?”
“I tried it this afternoon to avoid a speeding ticket,” said Brooke.
“Smart. Did it work?”
“No,” Brooke pouted.
“Too bad,” said Sam. “Anyway, ever heard of tunnelling?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well,” said Sam, “since the uncertainty principle says it’s impossible to determine the exact location of any given particle, any given particle has to be somewhere within a given space and, in fact, can be everywhere within that given space, which means that sometimes the particle can be at one side of an otherwise insurmountable obstacle and that it can be on the other side mere moments later. And that act of going from one place to the other without noticeably or even actually moving is called tunnelling. Still with me?”
“Barely,” said Brooke.
“Anyway, the accuracy of observing where a particle is is determined, in part, by Planck’s constant. So if Planck’s constant gets bigger you get less certain where the particle can be and the potential space in which the particle exists gets bigger as well. All I did was change my personal Planck’s constant so that my entire body couldn’t be accurately observed within a couple of meters and since my body could therefore be everywhere within a couple of meters all I had to do was make sure that it was on this side of the wall as opposed to the other side. And I here I am.”
Brooke gave her a blank look. “Sam, you can’t change Planck’s constant. It’s a constant.”
“I’ve got a very soft bed here that says otherwise.”
Brooke quickly saw Sam’s point of view.
And because the state of two unobserved particle collections is unknown, and because said two particle collections were far too busy with more important things to do any kind of observing on their own, Brooke and Sam were, at one and the same time, in two separate states, facing each other in one and not facing each other in the other, which eventually resulted in a curious sparrow being attracted to the noise and observing two girls cuddling mere moments after they had two unobserved simultaneous orgasms at the exact same time.
Brooke looked up towards the ceiling, Sam’s body draped all over her own, and quietly thanked whatever god was listening for the discovery of quantum physics.
It had certainly made life far more interesting and worthwhile
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