Title: Lord Sam
Author: Jos Mous
PAIRING: Sam/Brooke, sorta
RATING: PG or PG-13, although there is some implied NC-17, so perhaps it is once again R.
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters belong to me, I'm not making any profit blahblahblah.
NOTE: OK this is just a little piece of silliness I thought of just now. It's completely unrelated to and unlike anything else I've written, but I wanted to share this with you all the same. Hope you'll enjoy it and if not, well too bad actually. Also this is my first attempt at Mary Cherry writing. Unfortunately I have absolutely no clue as to how to write her wonderful manner of speech.
Ah, the realm of P'p'l'r, a vast land stretching from the Novak Sea all the way to the Kennedy Mountains. And in the centre of this magnificent realm lies a palace. Not just a palace, no, it is _the_ Palace. And in the Palace ruled the noble and just Lord Sam. And Lord Sam had quite a big problem. For in the Kennedy Mountains lived a dragon. A vile beast with the name of Julian who attacked small peasant villages at night and brutally insulted all the inhabitants, leaving them psychologically scarred for life. But this was not Lord Sam's biggest problem. The biggest problem was that everyone called Lord Sam Lord Sam, for Lord Sam was indeed a girl. And for the last years she had been trying to get that small, yet vital piece of information into the brains of her loyal followers. She has not succeeded in this yet as the entry of the lowly peon Harrison will soon make clear.
The door to Lord Sam's chambers opened and the lowly peon Harrison entered. "Lord Sam, I have dreadful news." He said.
Lord Sam got up from her chair and glared fiercely at the lowly peon with all her might. "How many times do I have to tell you that I am NOT Lord Sam, but Lady Sam!" She yelled. "Can't you at least try to remember that?"
Then the lowly peon Harrison started the long-practised skill of denial and false rationalisation. The realm of P'p'l'r was ruled by a Lord. It had always been ruled by a Lord and would forever be ruled by a Lord. So therefor Lord Sam was a Lord and could not be a Lady.
"Very amusing." The lowly peon Harrison complimented Lord Sam on her delicate prank. "But I fear now is the time to be serious. For you see the evil dragon Julian has kidnapped the Queen."
"What are you talking about?" Lord Sam asked. "P'p'l'r doesn't have a Queen. It's ruled by me and I'm a Lady."
"Of course, my Lord." The lowly peon said. "Forgive me. I meant to say the dragon has kidnapped a McQueen. Rumour has it that this McQueen comes for the mysterious lands beyond the mountains, the very same place our court mage originates from as well."
Lord Sam sighed and got up from her chair. "Fetch my shield-bearer Lily and have her deliver my armour. Also you should prepare my horse. I've decided to rescue this McQueen."
"Excellent my Lord." The lowly peon Harrison exclaimed. "If all goes well you can marry the fair Lady and receive an heir to your throne at last."
"How many times do I have to…" Lord Sam never finished the sentence fort she knew that it wouldn't help anyway. "Just get my shield-bearer, will you?"
Lord Sam was in full armour, sitting on her noble horse and about ready to leave her Palace when all of the sudden she heard a voice call out to her.
"Lord Sam, sir, you can't leave just yet!"
Lord Sam groaned internally. She had so hoped she could've avoided her court mage.
"Yes, mage Cherry, what is it?"
"Ah've heard that your wonderfulness was goin' tah slay tha dragon. So therefor Ah have conjured up a lil' something that might aid you in your long and dire quest."
Lord Sam rolled her eyes. She surely hoped that this McQueen was not at all like her court mage.
"And what would that be?"
"This!" Court mage Cherry triumphantly exclaimed. She held out a small and beautiful amulet that actually looked like it could have some sort of magical properties.
"That's nice." Lord Sam said as she put it around her neck. "But what does it do?"
"Well, since you're goin' out into fierce battle Ah just wanted tah make sure you would came back alright again."
"A protection amulet?" Lord Sam asked surprised. "I'm impressed."
"Yep," Court mage Cherry said proudly. "Wear this and your hair'll never be ruined."
"What!" Lord Sam shouted. "Are you saying this thing only protects my hair!?"
"That's right Ah did. We can't have you ruling with an awful hairdo now can we?"
Lord Sam decided not to waste any more time on this matter and drove her heels into the flanks of her faithful, yet frighteningly stupid horse she had named Mike.
And so off the noble Lord Sam went to the high Kennedy Mountains. After a small day trip she eventually arrived at the lair of the fierce white dragon Julian. It was rumoured that the fierce white dragon Julian was in fact the fierce black dragon Julian, but that she had painted herself white to look more impressive. Right now Lord Sam couldn't really care since she had McQueen to save.
"Come out Julian!" Lord Sam shouted at the entrance. "Come out and face me."
"Oh goody," A booming voice said from inside the lair. "If it isn't Lady Spam again."
Lord Sam winced when she painfully realised that the dragon was the only creature in her realm that called her Lady. Even the narrator kept calling her Lord Sam and he knew that she was actually a Lady. The white dragon Julian stepped out of her lair and loomed several metres above Lord Sam. Lord Sam jumped from her faithful horse and drew her sword. It wasn't a magical sword, or a sword that was handed down from generation or generation. It was just a simple steel sword. But it was very efficient in looking fearsome.
"Oh come on. We are not going to fight. That's just so passé." Dragon Julian said. "Look, the McQueen is my willing guest here and she's only going to leave when she wants to."
"Oh." Lord Sam said. "Is there any way I could persuade you to release her all the same?"
"Why would you want to do that? You're just have to marry her. And we both know what happened to all your other wives."
The images of a few hundred rescued maiden fleeing from Lord Sam's bedroom on their wedding night flashed through Lord San's mind. She quickly stopped smiling however and tried to look serious again.
"Listen dragon, I have something here that might be of interest of you."
"I don't take bribes Lady Spam." Dragon Julian said.
"This is not a bribe." Lord Sam said. "It has been fashioned by my mage especially for you. It's a magical talisman that will forever keep your hair, I mean scales, in perfect shape."
"Really?" The white dragon Julian said, her eyes gleaming. "Very well. The McQueen is in the guest bedroom. You have five minutes before I have to throw you out."
Lord Sam kicked in the door of the guest bedroom and was met by the McQueen. She was sitting on her bed, reading a book. She was quite pretty too and Lord Sam suddenly realised she wouldn't mind being married to this person for a few hours.
"Come on." Lord Sam said. "I've defeated the vile dragon and saved you. Let's go."
"I don't want to." The McQueen said. "Not if this means I'll have to marry you."
"Look, we don't have to marry if you don't want to. In fact I'd be glad if we didn't get married. It's just that I've got about five minutes to get out of here so let's get going McQueen."
"My name is Lady Brooke." The McQueen said. "And you do promise we don't get married?"
"Yes, yes, I promise." Lord Sam said quickly. "Now let's get going."
So the Lord and Lady were riding back to the Palace on Mike. The journey seemed considerably longer and vastly more boring.
"So, Lady Brooke, I've heard you come from the land behind the mountains."
"You mean the Kingdom of Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's?" Lady Brooke said. "It's OK, I guess. Except that everyone wants to keep getting married with me."
"Yeah, I've got the exact same problem." Lord Sam said.
"I mean, all the guys over there, they're cute and all, but just not my type."
"I have a slightly different problem. All the girls here think I'm nice, but I'm not their type."
"Well, I think most of those girls would put up with it to get into a position of power."
"No, they wouldn't." Lord Sam said snickering. "Anyway, there's the Palace, let's get this over with."
Lord Sam and Lady Brooke were met by an overwhelming mass of cheering servants. Before they knew what was going on the were almost yanked from Mike and the vast tidal wave of the crowd quickly swept them into the church that was conveniently located in the same direction as Lady Brooke and Lord Sam were being swept to. Before they knew Lord Sam and Lady Brooke were standing in front of the altar. Behind it stood the priest, a strange creature from a place even further away than the Kingdom of Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's.
"You promised me we weren't getting married!" Lady Brooke hissed.
"I'm sorry." Lord Sam said. "This had never happened before."
"Alright." Priest Glass said. "I don't want to go through the entire speech once again, so I'll make it short. Do you?"
"Yes." Lord Sam answered grudgingly.
"Fine." Lady Brooke answered angry.
"I hereby declare you husband and wife for a full ten hours. You may kiss the bride, but since you haven't done that the last 164 times I don't expect you to do it now."
That night Lord Sam and Lady Brooke were located in Lord Sam's bedroom. They were both sitting on chairs looking rather miserable at each other. Lord Sam was quietly displeased that Lady Brooke would probably soon run away screaming, while Lady Brooke was quietly displeased that she did get married to some guy.
"I'm gonna get dressed for the night." Lord Sam said sighing. "Be right back."
Lady Brooke kept sitting in her chair and looked around the room. There was nothing much to see, so she returned her attention to the door Lord Sam had just disappeared through. After a few moments the door opened again and Lord Sam walked back in, wearing a purple night gown made from the finest silks that marvellously enhanced her figure. Lady Brooke's eyes started gleaming.
"You're a girl!" She said excited.
"Does that bother you?" Lord Sam asked, confused that Lady Brooke hadn't run away yet.
The answer to that question never really came. Suffice to say however that somewhere deep in the night the servants in the Palace were woken by loud sounds. Soon, however, the servants all went back to sleep, satisfied in the knowledge that in about nine months time there would be an heir to the throne at last…
Invasion of the Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's
NOTE: If anyone's wondering about how I came up with this strange idea, the answer is not at all that difficult. For you see, I like stories about werewolves and vampires, so I wrote a few stories about werewolves and vampires (and some other stuff as well). I also really like the game 'Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri' (and its add-on 'Alien Crossfire') so I'm still doing a crossover with that game. So a few days back I wondered: 'OK, I've done horror (sorta), I'm doing science-fiction, so I can never go back to regular Popular fics. So what should I do next?' The answer was simple since I also really like both fantasy and the Discworld novels. So that's how this series (if it's going to be a series) came into existence and oh look, this note is getting longer than the actual story.
A few weeks had passed in the realm of P'p'l'r and Lord Sam ruled happily with her wife, the fair Lady Brooke. And joy filled their land since it had became clear that Lady Brooke was indeed pregnant. How on earth she could be pregnant was a mystery to both Lord Sam and Lady Brooke, for this sudden pregnancy has been introduced by the narrator so that he could let the two of them get all mushy over their little bundle of joy in a few possible later stories. But for those of you die-hards who want an explanation, here it comes. For you see when Lord Sam and Lady Brooke were… err… sleeping peacefully in two separate beds… the immense magical energies unleashed by the couple had somehow brought forth the impregnation of the fair Lady Brooke.
So it was on this day that Lord Sam and her Lady Brooke were sitting on their respective thrones. Or so it was in the mind of the lackeys and peasants in the throne room. The reality of course was that Lord Sam was indeed sitting on her throne, but that Lady Brooke was sitting on her lap, and they were engaged in a heavy make-out session. Fortunately everyone in the land of P'p'l'r was blessed with heaps upon heaps of denial so to them their rulers were sitting quietly on their thrones instead of making all kinds of orgasmic sounds.
Then the doors to the throne room swung open. The doors were extremely heavy and always squeaked enormously since the hinges were covered in rust. But since the arrival of a messenger carrying very important and distressing news always goes smoothly and unobstructed by old doors the doors swung open quickly and soundlessly. Messenger Carmen came running in and briefly kneeled in front of the throne.
"Lord Sam, I carry very important and distressing news." She said.
Reluctantly diverting her attention to messenger Carmen Lord Sam spoke. "Well, what is it?"
"Our scouts have spotted a large invasion force coming down from the Kennedy Mountains. We fear that battle is imminent."
"I see." Lord Sam said. "And do you happen to know from which land this force comes?"
"We are not certain." Messenger Carmen admitted. "But we believe that it comes from the Kingdom of Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's." She said.
"WHAT!" Lady Brooke exclaimed. "I'm the McQueen of that kingdom and I never gave the orders to invade!"
"Forgive me, my Lady." Carmen said. "But all signs point towards the fact that this force might be originating from that kingdom."
"Well, we'll just see about that." Lady Brooke said determined from her position on Lord Sam's lap. "Lowly peon Harrison, saddle Mike! Shield-bearer Lily, fetch Lord Sam's armour! Court mage Cherry,"
"No, wait, don't call for her!" Lord Sam quickly hissed.
But it was already too late. A cloud of perfume suddenly wafted to the centre of the throne room and out stepped court mage Cherry.
"Oh no." Lord Sam groaned.
"You called an' Ah arrived."
"No, I didn't." Lord Sam quickly said. "Your presence is not required."
"Yes it is." Court mage Cherry said. "Foul enemies are threatening your royal highniness. Ah think Ah am very much needed."
Then the doors to the throne room were flung open a second time. This time a woman with blonde hair, wearing a short red dress came walking, and it seemed like she was looking for someone. Then she noticed Lady Brooke sitting on her throne, since she couldn't possibly be sitting on Lord Sam's lap since nobility just doesn't do things like that.
"There you are. I have been looking all over for you." The woman said. Then she stared off into the distance. "No wait, wrong line. What am I doing here again?"
"Lady Glory!" Lady Brooke exclaimed. "What are you doing here!"
"Just a sec." Lady Glory said. "Oh yeah, now I remember." Lady Glory coughed and looked at Lady Brooke defiantly. "Since you have abandoned the throne of our kingdom I have hereby usurped it. I am now the McQueen of the Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's. And with my army I plan to conquer the realm of P'p'l'r."
"You're not the McQueen!" Lady Brooke shouted. "I am the McQueen. You are just a drag queen at best!"
Lady Glory seemed slightly taking aback by this but quickly recovered and tried to look as McQueenly as possible. "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Hah!" Lady Brooke scoffed. "I know you like to dress up in male nurse's clothing and call yourself Ben!"
"You shall pay for this insult!" Lady Glory shouted in rage. "I hereby challenge you to a duel. The winner will be declared as the true McQueen of the Kingdom of Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's."
"I accept." Lady Brooke said. "Time and place?"
"The camp of my army, as soon as you get there." And then Lady Glory turned around and left.
"Oh, a duel. Ah haven't seen a good duel in a looooooong time." Court mage Cherry said happily.
"My love, are you certain you want to go through with this?" Lord Sam asked concerned, ignoring the happily humming court mage.
"Very certain." Lady Brooke said. "Don't worry, I know how Lady Glory fights and I know I can take her."
"But, what if you get hurt and we lose the baby?" Lord Sam asked, even more concerned.
"It's alright. Our kinds of duels very rarely see any bloodshed."
Before Lord Sam could ask what her wife meant with that the lowly peon Harrison entered to announce that it is time for everyone to go since Mike was saddled.
"Lord Sam." The lowly peon Harrison said. "I have saddled Mike. You can go at any time now."
"Oh, a trip!" Court mage Cherry said, while clapping her hands fanatically. "This day just keeps gettin' better an' better."
"Wait, you're not going." Lord Sam said. "You haven't been challenged to the duel."
"True, but Ah shudder tah think what ugly fate might befall your royal highniness' soul-mate when Ah am not present."
"Well, I shudder to think what would happen if you _were_ present." Lord Sam muttered
So everyone went to the courtyard where Mike stood saddled and looking dimly out of his eyes. Lady Brooke quickly mounted Mike with such skill and grace that many people briefly wondered why Lady Brooke insisted that she couldn't ride horses. The truth was simply that Lady Brooke could ride horses, but it was just that this way she could cling on to Lord Sam and that was something Lady Brooke never got tired of.
Lord Sam, after she had been helped into her armour by shield-bearer Lily soon mounted Mike as well. They waited patiently for court mage Cherry to decide what kind of transport she would use.
Court mage Cherry waggled a little with her magic wand and lo and behold a sedan chair appeared. It was carried by a half-naked Leonardo DiCaprio, a half-naked Tom Cruise, a half-naked Ben Affleck and a completely naked Pamela Anderson. Why court mage Cherry had chosen these particular persons in these particular states of undress nobody really thought about. Everyone had long ago decided that the mind of a mage -or at least the mind of court mage Cherry- could be understood by no man or woman.
A few hours later everyone arrived at the camp of Lady Glory who was already waiting impatiently. Lord Sam and Lady Brooke were surprised to find that the evil white dragon Julian was also present. Upon asking the dragon why she was here she answered: 'I like chaos and mayhem and sticking around here looks to me like a good way to witness some in the foreseeable future'.
Lady Glory stormed towards Lady Brooke with a decidedly murderous glare in her eyes.
"So, I see you have the courage to take on my challenge."
"I have." Lady Brooke answered calmly. "What are the weapons?"
Lady Glory grinned sinisterly before she answered.
One hour later Lord Sam, court mage Cherry and some random guy who has only been introduced to vote for Lady Glory later on were sitting behind a quickly-improvised jury bench. Lady Brooke and Lady Glory had decided upon a cheerleading contest. The entire fate of both P'p'l'r and the Kingdom of Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's rested in the outcome of the skills the two Ladies had in strutting around in tight outfits. The contest in it itself wasn't all that interesting. If you've seen one girl strutting around in a tight outfit, you've seen 'em all. Even the drool that slowly formed around Lord Sam's mouth at seeing her beloved strut around before her wearing the aforementioned piece of clothing was more interesting than the cheerleading contest itself.
After the contest was over Lord Sam voted for Lady Brooke and the random guy voted for Lady Glory, leaving it up to court mage Cherry to declare the winner. Court mage Cherry, however, was in deep meditation, contemplating the proper choice. That is, until Lord Sam heard court mage Cherry giggle and mutter: 'Aren't you a lil' naughty girl, Miss Anderson'.
"Court mage Cherry, wake up!" Lord Sam shouted, trying to block the words she had just heard out of her memory.
Court mage Cherry woke up. "Did Ah miss anything?" She asked.
Lord Sam and that random guy groaned simultaneously.
"Now who's gonna cast the swing vote?" Lord Sam asked to no-one in particular.
"If I may make a suggestion, Lady Spam?" The evil white dragon Julian said.
"Don't tell me you want to vote?" Lord Sam said.
"Heavens no." The dragon said. "I didn't even watch. I was too busy chewing on some of those tasty cheerleaders around here."
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that Julian." Lord Sam said. "So what do you suggest?"
"Simple, call the one of persons who're always watching."
"You don't mean…?" Lord Sam said.
"Of course I mean."
"But there isn't a priest in sight." Lord Sam said.
Then, suddenly, through the vast gaping hole where the plot was supposed to be priest Glass stepped into the camp.
"Priest Glass would you be so kind as to ask the Gods to pass judgement?"
"Hey, wait a minute!" Lady Glory shouted. "Why don't I have anything to say about that!?"
"Do you have a better idea?" Lord Sam asked.
Lady Glory didn't answer and so priest Glass started the incantations.
Soon the clear and blue sky was cluttered with all kinds of black and threatening clouds. And in those clouds a hole appeared. And through that hole light shone brightly. And a hundred angels sounded their trumpets. And a thousand humans covered their ears since, even though angels are both beautiful and sexy they couldn't play an instrument to save their lives. And then the horrendous sounds faded and in the beam of light there appeared Aeryn Sun, the Goddess of Angst. And the people were surprised by this, so they asked the Goddess why she had appeared. And Aeryn explain that her brother Pilot, the God of Proper Direction, was unavailable at the moment and that everyone had to either settle for her or be put on hold. Knowing that they couldn't survive any more angelic music the people agreed to listen to the words of Aeryn. And then she spoke: "Well, I have been pretty mean to Sammy and Brooke, so I suppose I'll just give them a break and let them win."
And with that the Goddess transcended back into the heavens where she immediately started writing more great and beautiful stories. And the people then went to the wise hermits who lived two doors next to the lair of the vile white dragon and they asked them to translate the words of the Goddess. And after many days of pondering and feeding their cats the wise hermits came with an answer. They said that Lady Brooke was the true McQueen and that Lady Glory had to sod off, never to return again. And the people cheered, except for Lady Glory who was busy with sodding off. And then it was decided that the lands of P'p'l'r and Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's were to be joined as to prevent any more gruelling wars from ever taking place. And it was also decided that Lord Sam and Lady Brooke were to be the rulers of this new land.
And so it came about that all Bl'nde Cheer'l'd'r's are also P'p'l'r.
Lily and the Dragon
NOTE: Damn, seems I've used up all my ammo in the two previous stories. Sorry.
A few weeks had passed once again in the realm of P'p'l'r and during that time nothing of interest had happened. And if something of interest _had_ happened than no-one told the narrator about it. So let's all just assume that nothing of interest had happened. Life had went by without any captured maidens that needed rescuing or any crazy cheerleaders who wanted to take over the world. In fact the toughest decision Lord Sam and Lady Brooke had to make was the location of the nursery. For the Palace was a stronghold and all rooms were not suited to house a baby in.
"Well, Ah think we can do wonders with this lil' beauty." Court mage Cherry said as she, Lord Sam and Lady Brooke entered a small room in the south-most tower on the eastern wall.
"What are you talking about?" Lord Sam asked. "It's even more depressing than all the other we've seen."
"True, but if we break out that shooting hole over thar and put up a nice lil' floral motive we can do wonders with it."
"Floral motif?" Lord Sam asked. "What, do you want to nail flowers into the wall?"
"Of course not your revered leadershipness, Ah was talking about wallpaper naturally."
"Wallpaper?" Lord Sam asked. "What's wallpaper?"
"Are you saying you've never heard of wallpaper before? Mah word, what kind of Medieval world do we live in without wallpaper? Next thing you'll be telling me no-one has invented designer clothing yet!"
"Sammy," Lady Brooke softly whispered in her love's ear. "Why don't we just let her rant a little, hmmm?"
"Well, if Ah were you Ah'd make sure someone quickly went and invented it." Court mage Cherry said. Then she noticed that Lady Brooke was pressed tightly against the wall by Lord Sam and that they were paying absolutely no attention to anything except the feel of each other's bodies. "Humph. Seems like Ah am the only one able to think around here. Here Ah am doing the best Ah can to make sure tha royal offspring can sleep in a nice room with a lovely floral motive and Ah am just not being appreciated." Court mage Cherry said insulted. And with that court mage Cherry disappeared in a cloud of Channel number 5.
Meanwhile Lord Sam and Lady Brooke had more or less migrated to the floor and were about to engage in acts that would change the rating of this story into NC-17, if it weren't for the fact that the lowly peon Harrison was about to enter to inform the royal couple that shield-bearer Lily wanted an audience with them.
The door opened and the lowly peon Harrison entered. "My Lord, I have come to inform you that your shield-bearer has requested an audience with you." He said, completely undisturbed by the fact that Lord Sam and Lady Brooke were already in a state of dress that would be considered inappropriate. The reason of course was that Lord Sam and Lady Brooke weren't in a state of dress that could be considered inappropriate, but that they were standing in the middle of the room, listening with great enthusiasm to every word the lowly peon Harrison had to say.
Two hours and a quick change of clothes later Lord Sam and Lady Brooke were sitting in the throne room. And this time they were actually sitting on their own thrones as well.
"Alright, what is it?" Lord Sam asked rather unfriendly. Lord Sam was generally considered a noble and gentle ruler and she really did like her shield-bearer, but the fact that she had been interrupted in the exploration of her wife's body had made her a little angry.
"Uhm… well…" Shield-bearer Lily started her long-practised speech. "You see, it's like this, I've been your shield-bearer for some time now and I was wondering if, well, you know…"
"You want to become a knight?" Lord Sam asked.
"Well, yeah." Shield-bearer Lily concluded. "Can I?"
"Well, usually you have to pass a great test of bravery and skill."
"Oh I can do that!" Shield-bearer Lily said enthusiastically.
"Maybe you should spend an entire week with court mage Cherry." Lord Sam pondered. "That would certainly prove your bravery."
"Well, I was more thinking along the lines of slaying the evil white dragon Julian." Shield-bearer Lily suggested.
"Now why would you want to do that?" Lord Sam asked. "I mean, sure, she has a bad attitude and the psychiatric bills are unusually high every time she has attacked a peasant village and yeah, she does like to eat cheerleaders. But on the other hand she also keeps other dragons away and the hermits who live in the Kennedy Mountains really appreciate her company."
"Oh come on, please?" Shield-bearer Lily pleaded. "I promise I won't hurt anyone."
"Well, if you put it like that I suppose I can agree with it." Lord Sam said. "Just make sure to bring home a scale to prove you've really slain her."
"Thank you my Lord!" Shield-bearer Lily exclaimed. "I promise you I won't fail you."
"I'm sure you won't." Lord Sam said. "Now then, if you'll excuse me. I still had some unfinished business to attend to with my wife and I want to make sure that it is settled at least twice."
And with that Lord Sam and Lady Brooke left the throne room and this story, only to reappear again at the very end to congratulate both shield-bearer Lily and the evil white dragon Julian (Damn, just gave the ending away, didn't I?).
So there shield-bearer Lily went on Mike. And she was accompanied by Cannonfodder, a knight of Lord Sam's court who was secretly devising a scheme to overthrow her and usurp the throne. And the two of them didn't really talk since Lily was far too excited by her chance to become knight and because Cannonfodder was too busy with scheming his evil schemes.
The two of them quickly arrived at the Kennedy Mountains.
"Alright shield-bearer Lily, let's get this over with quickly." Cannonfodder said before he drew his sword and stormed into the lair.
"Hey, wait up!" Lily shouted before quickly running after him.
Lily soon entered the cave as well, only to stand next to Cannonfodder in amazement. The evil white dragon Julian more or less sat next to a table, in discussion with one of the hermits.
"Oh, hello." The hermit said. "Fancy a cup of tea?"
"Oh yes, please." Shield-bearer Lily said. "That would be very nice."
"What are you talking about!?" Cannonfodder shouted. "We're here to slay the dragon, remember?"
The evil dragon Julian turned her eyes at Cannonfodder once and in one completely predictable move swallowed Cannonfodder whole. She soon spit out his carcass.
"Yuck, I hate traitors." She said. "They have such an unpleasant aftertaste."
"Hey, that wasn't very nice you know." Shield-bearer Lily said.
"He wanted to slay me." The white dragon Julian said.
"That's still no excuse to just eat him. I mean, come on, where are your manners? I think you should apologise."
Julian looked at shield-bearer Lily in amazement, then turned her attention to the remains of Cannonfodder. "Sorry." She said.
"There, much better." Shield-bearer Lily said.
"Well, I have to get going." The hermit said. "We've arranged a bingo-night and I don't want to be late."
"So, why are you here again?" Julian asked, while tilting her head in a way that gave her purely red eyes a very nice shine to them.
"Well, I wanted to become a knight. And in order to become a knight you have to pass a test of skill and bravery. And so I thought, 'what could be more brave than to defeat a dragon in combat?' So here I am."
"I see." Julian said, while she noted that shield-bearer Lily looked quite tasty. In more ways than one. "And what kind of combat were we talking about?"
"Well, frankly I was planning to kill you, but I promised Lord Sam not to hurt anyone, so I'm not really sure now."
The evil dragon Julian slowly moved in on her prey by laying down around shield-bearer Lily. "So, what do you have in mind now?" Julian asked as she levelled her head with that of Lily.
"I dunno." Shield-bearer Lily admitted, completely oblivious of the dragon's intentions. "How about a game of paper, rock, scissors? If I win you have to promise not to insult the peasants any more. "
"Agreed." Julian said. "But if I win, you have to spend the night here."
"OK." Shield-bearer Lily said. "I mean, you have a very nice cave here. I don't mind sleeping here for a night."
"Right…" Julian said as her eyes started to gleam. "Sleeping…"
Lord Sam was woken by the sounds of wings flapping through the air. She got up from bed and looked out of the window. Against the light of the morning sun she could see a large black shape that looked faintly like the white dragon Julian. It wasn't the white dragon Julian of course, since the white dragon Julian was white and not black. So you can imagine Lord Sam's surprise when it turned out that it _was_ the white dragon Julian who landed gracefully in the courtyard. Lord Sam quickly turned away from the window and gathered her clothes. She didn't know what was going on, but she didn't think it would be a wise idea to let a huge white dragon lounge about her Palace for any period of time.
A few minutes later Lord Sam pushed her way through the crowd that surrounded the white dragon Julian. For some reason crowds always seemed to gather around large, strange things. Curiously enough crowds never gathered around small, strange things. But anyway, Lord Sam soon reached the front and noticed shield-bearer Lily sitting on the dragon's neck. She waved enthusiastically.
"Hi Lord Sam." Shield-bearer Lily said.
"Hi." Lord Sam greeted back. "Lily, what is going on here?"
"Oh, well, remember when I said I was going to defeat Julian here?"
"Yes." Lord Sam answered.
"Well… I lost. But that's OK. I've just come to tell you that I don't want to be a knight any more."
The white dragon Julian smiled at Lord Sam like the cat that had eaten the proverbial canary. Or, in this case, like the dragon that had eaten the proverbial cheerleader.
"Why not?" Lord Sam asked, ignoring the grinning Julian.
"Well," She said as she affectionately stroked Julian's scales. "Julian and I…. we're in love and we want to get married."
"Wait…" Lord Sam said. "You want to marry a DRAGON?"
Shield-bearer Lily nodded happily and Julian's grin only got larger.
"But… but… she's a DRAGON."
"Yes!" Shield-bearer Lily said. "Isn't it amazing? We're so perfect for each other!"
"Sammy, honey, what's going on?" Lady Brooke asked as she arrived on the scene.
"Shield-bearer Lily wants to get married! With Julian!"
"Really?" Lady Brooke exclaimed. "Oh, congratulations Lily. I'm so happy for you!"
"Thanks." Lily said blushing.
"Oh, this is amazing!" Lady Brooke said happily. "We've got to make arrangements at once."
"But Brooke, Julian is a dragon."
"Oh I know that." Lady Brooke said. "But you shouldn't judge people based on species dear, that's not very nice."
Lord Sam decided to just give in. If her Lady wanted them to get married then who was she to argue? "Alright." She said, then turned her attention to the massive dragon and the human sitting on her neck. "Congratulations. I hope you'll be very happy together."
"Count on it." The white dragon Julian said.
Lord Sam was about to leave again when her court mage made one last appearance.
"Lord Sam, sir, Ah have looked into tha times that are about to come and Ah have seen tha future!" She exclaimed excitedly.
"Really? And what does the future hold?" Lord Sam asked, expecting something lame about paper covering walls. Or maybe little people in boxes.
"Ah have seen that your royal leadershipness offspring will marry a human/dragon hybrid, thereby closing tha gap between our two species!"
The most standard thing to do for Lord Sam right now was to faint. Unfortunately standard things don't happen very often in P'p'l'r so she didn't.
And boy was she pissed about that.
Sam VS Ash
NOTE: Alright, I'll admit it, I like Pokémon! So sue me!
Contrary to popular belief the realm of P'p'l'r is in reality a very boring realm. Weeks, even months can pass without anything even remotely interesting happens. It can even take years before something _important_ happens. The most interesting fact in the last few months was that there were not one, but two pregnant women residing within the Palace. This second pregnancy was an even greater miracle than the first one -except of course to the inhabitants of P'p'l'r who have managed to change denial into an art form- for not only was shield-bearer Lily's lover also female, she was also a huge white dragon that easily towered above the Palace. Even Lord Sam and Lady Brooke didn't want to think about how that could've possibly come about.
And now on the day that our story opens Lord Sam was indeed once again rather bored as she listened to the messages messenger Carmen told her.
"… Also the hermits of the Kennedy Mountains insist that you release Julian." Carmen said.
"How can I release her when I don't even hold her captive?" Lord Sam asked. She briefly glanced at her shield-bearer, who giggled just as briefly.
"Well… maybe you can arrange for visiting hours?" Carmen suggested carefully.
Lord Sam sighed. "Tell them… tell them I'll think about it." It was a very nice non-committal answer and it always worked.
Excellent my Lord." Carmen said. "I'll go deliver your messages at once." Messenger Carmen turned around and headed for the large doors that spelled her exit out of this story. However, as she passed the lowly peon Harrison she smirked at him. Messenger Carmen was very pleased that the lowly peon Harrison has absolutely no role in this story. True, her own part wasn't all that spectacular, but it was still better than that of the lowly peon Harrison.
Lord Sam was about to leave for her chambers -and her wife- when the large doors swung open and three teenagers came walking in. One was kid of maybe age eleven who wore a red-and-white baseball cap backwards on his head which seemed to be covered in unusually spiky hair. He was followed by a girl of about the same age with also rather spiky orange hair and clothes were too short to really be considered proper. Last in line was a guy who seemed to be a little older and whose eyes appeared to be permanently shut.
"I dunno Ash." The girl said. "This doesn't look like a gym to me."
"Nonsense." The youngest boy said. "Haven't you seen that giant white Charizard sleeping on the roof?"
"Who are you?" Lord Sam said, fearing she was going to waste the rest of the day getting rid of these youngsters.
"I'm Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town!" The youngest guy exclaimed proudly. "And this is Pikachu!" He exclaimed even more proudly, indicating a yellow mouse.
"Pika!" The mouse screamed.
"I'm Brock." The oldest guy said, as he somehow managed to get way too close to Lord Sam in a matter of seconds. "And who might you be?" He asked.
"Not that's any of your business," Lord Sam said, ignoring the hearts that were appearing around Brock's head. "But I'm Lo… Lady Sam."
"Sam…" Brock said dreamily. "What a pretty name."
Lord Sam decided to ignore this annoyance all together and walked past him. "What do you want?" She asked no-one in particular.
"We're here to challenge you to a match!" The kid with the baseball cap exclaimed. He seemed to be doing that a lot.
"Pika!" The mouse cheered enthusiastically.
"A match?" Lord Sam said. "What kind of match?"
"A Pokémon match of course!" Lord Sam now decided that yelling was probably the only mode of speech the kid possessed.
Then, suddenly, a small red-and-white ball was thrown into the centre of the throne room. As the ball hit the floor it burst open and a large white light filled the chamber. When it disappeared it revealed court mage Cherry. Lord Sam groaned. She never should've hired her.
"Ah have appeared once again tah lend you, greatest Sappho-fan of 'em all, some of my most wise advice."
"If this is about fashionable armour again you're fired, court mage Cherry." Lord Sam said threateningly.
Court mage Cherry suddenly shrieked and ran over to the little yellow mouse, who looked at her rather frightened. A sentiment Lord Sam could sympathise with.
"Aren't you jus' adorable!" Court mage Cherry said. "And your fur would do wonders for mah new robe."
"CHERRY!" Lord Sam shouted. "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO KILL THE PETS OF OUR GUESTS!"
Court mage Cherry pouted briefly, but then cheered up again. "Ah have a great idea. Why not have a Pokémon match!"
"Yeah," The kid with the baseball cap exclaimed. "That's why we're here in the first place!"
"Pika!" The mouse cheered again, albeit a lot less excited since he was still looking at court mage Cherry with fear in his eyes. Court mage Cherry smiled back. The mouse hid under the kid's baseball cap.
Lord Sam, however, sensed some other danger coming from her court mage. "Wait a minute Cherry! Whatever you're planning to do…"
But it was already too late. Court mage Cherry flourishly stitched the air with her wand and *poof* the room was filled with smoke that smelt like roses. -A huge improvement on court mage Cherry's last smell, which had been hedgehogs-
Lord Sam suddenly found herself in an arena. But it wasn't the kind of dusty arena where men in iron shorts would strut around on horses trying to knock each other senseless. She was standing on one side of a field, with the kid in the baseball cap stood at the other end. Suddenly Lord Sam's greatest nightmare came true.
She could hear the voice of court mage Cherry all around her.
"Yyeeeeessssssssss people! It is another fine day here at tha Indigo Plateau! For today's match we have tha leader of the greatest kingdom on this and any other plane, Lord Sam!"
Applause filled the stadium. Which was kinda eerie since the only occupants of the tribune were shield-bearer Lily, messenger Carmen, the white dragon Julian the friends of the kid standing opposite to Lord Sam and some random guy, who just sits there being mentioned and given way too much attention.
"On the other side is that little nobody from some small town no-one's ever heard of, Ash Ketchum!"
Again the stadium was filled with applause. And again it didn't have a source.
"Squirtle GO!" Ash yelled as he threw one of the same balls that court mage Cherry had arrived in towards the centre of the arena. White light appeared and soon it changed into a little blue turtle with a red shell.
"What am I supposed to do?" Lord Sam asked, feeling very discombobulated.
"Oh, oh, I have an idea!" Shield-bearer Lily yelled from the stands. "Why not let Julie here fight!?"
"Lily." Julian said, both affectionate and annoyed which made for quite an interesting tone of voice. "I don't want the others to start thinking I'm good or have morals."
"Oh come on," Lily said with her cutest puppy-dog eyes. "For me?"
The dragon Julian sighed. "You know I can't refuse you anything."
"YAY!" Shield-bearer Lily cheered, while clapping her hands. Then she hugged, well, part of Julian's head. "I love you honey." She purred.
"Love you too sweetie." Julian stood up full length and stepped over in front of Sam. "If you say anything like 'Julian GO!' I am going to eat you, understand?" She growled at Lord Sam.
"Err… good luck?" Lord Sam said.
"Squirtle, WATER GUN!" Ash shouted.
A beam of water emerged from Squirtle's mouth and hit Julian head on. Julian turned around and looked at Lord Sam. "Am I supposed to take shower?" She asked, confusion in her voice.
Lord Sam shrugged, indicating she didn't know either.
"Squirtle, SKULL BASH!"
The little blue turtle torpedoed itself at Julian, hit the dragon full on the chest and then fell down, unconscious.
"And tha game has ended!" Court mage Cherry cheered. "With a sweeping victory for Lord Sam and Julian!"
"It has?" Lord Sam asked. "We have?"
"I didn't even know we had started." Julian said, and she was speaking the truth.
Ash walked over to Lord Sam and put out his hand. "That's a very nice Charizard you trained." He said. "I don't think I'm able to defeat you yet, but one I will and you can count on me coming back."
"Err… thanks." Lord Sam said doubtful.
Ash, Brock and the girl left the stadium. Lord Sam realised she still didn't know that the name of the girl was Misty, and she would never find out too.
Court mage Cherry, no longer in the announcers box, came running towards Lord Sam.
"Congratulations, first inhabitant of Lesbos!" She cheered. "You have won!"
"Yeah, I gathered as much." Lord Sam said. "Can we go home now?"
"Of course." Court mage Cherry said. She then proceeded to wave her wand around.
She waved it again.
She moved around with it like you do with a broken remote to a TV.Nope, nothing.
"Ah fear we might have a slight inconvenience, mah Lord." Court mage Cherry said hesitantly. "Seems mah wand has run out of batteries."
The following phrase had been heard by millions and would be remembered for all time. It would even go down the annals of history and many historians would bow themselves over the question of just what it had meant.
Lord Sam and the Quest for Batteries
NOTE: For all you Pokémon-haters out there: Sorry. For all you Pokémon-lovers out there: Sorry. For all those of you out there that couldn't give a damn about Pokémon but just want to read a good story: Sorry.
Lady Brooke was not in a good mood. And she had every reason to be. Her wife had mysteriously disappeared several months ago and she was worried sick about her. Or at least, she would be worried sick if she wasn't so incredibly bored and annoyed by everyone in the kingdom of P'p'l'r demanding her attention. It seemed like everyone was complaining about absolutely everything. Right now replacement-messenger Josh was reciting another bunch of complaints that were simply pathetic at best and didn't really deserve any attention.
"… And finally," Lady Brooke started paying attention because she knew that, if she more or less answered to this, she would be free of all the whining for the rest of the day. "The psychiatric community insist that you release Julian." Replacement-messenger Josh said.
"Release Julian?" Lady Brooke said. "She isn't even here!"
Replacement-messenger Josh coughed uncomfortably. "Yes… well… you see," He coughed again. "They… err… they think we still hold her prisoner."
"We never even held her prisoner to begin with!" Lady Brooke shouted. She so did not need this.
"I know, I know." Replacement-messenger Josh said quickly. "It's just hat the psychiatric community denies that Julian is gone voluntarily. They want her back in the wild again and attacking peasant villages. They say that since the attacks have stopped they have lost a lot of patients and a considerable amount of money and they claim that holding Julian captive is damaging the economy."
Lady Brooke sunk back into her throne. Of all things a rampaging dragon brutally insulting the peasants would be damaging to the economy, wouldn't it? She sighed and decided to go with the standard reply in this case.
"Tell them I'll think about it."
Apparently satisfied replacement-messenger Josh bowed and turned around to bring the psychiatric community the good news of Julian's early release.
Lady Brooke rose from her throne and, after casting a glance to the empty throne next to hers, prepared to leave for her own chambers. But her back wasn't even turned completely when she heard the doors to the throne room open once again.
"If this is another bunch of lunatics from the Julian Liberation Front I'm gonna put them all in the stocks." She grumbled.
Nobody would be adequately able to describe the joy that appeared on Lady Brooke's face when she saw who entered. Knowing that everyone was thinking that she was striding elegantly Lady Brooke ran as quickly as she could, nearly tripping on her dress as she did so. Lord Sam did exactly the same, except she didn't trip on her dress since she wasn't wearing one. The happy couple flung themselves into each other's arms and if this were some sappy movie it would all have gone by in slow-motion. Fortunately this isn't some sappy movie so we can simply go on with the story as soon as Lord Sam and Lady Brooke stop kissing.So, five minutes later, the story continued again unhindered.
"I missed you." Lord Sam said smiling.
"I missed you too." Lady Brooke said. "I was afraid you weren't going to be here when I would be giving birth." She said, indicating her figure that looked like that of someone who was eight months pregnant. Lady Brooke, however, wasn't eight months pregnant but only seven months and 29 days, but only someone who is obsessed by details would point out something as ridiculous as that.
Suddenly a sound that sounded a lot like "Skarmory!" filled the throne room and Lord Sam hastily pushed Lady Brooke backwards as gently as she could. Seconds later a large steel bird flew into the throne room and landed on Lady Brooke's throne.
"What is that?" Lady Brooke asked.
"That's Fluffy." Lord Sam said. "A Skarmory."
"What?" Lady Brooke asked.
Lord Sam sighed. "It's kinda a long and boring story." She looked up and grinned mischievously. "But I'm going to tell it anyway."
((((Flashback and change of POV))))
After we defeated that annoying Ash Ketchum court mage Cherry tried to warp us all back with her magic wand. It didn't work. Turns out she needed something called 'batteries' to make it work. Of course we had no idea what that was, but court mage Cherry assured us that they could be bought in any store. So we all kinda walked towards the nearest town, which was a very boring walk and I could tell you all the details about all the lovely flora, fauna and fungi we spotted, but I'm not in the mood to tell you all that. Modern story-listeners want to-the-point facts and anything that isn't a to-the-point fact is ignored or scoffed at. So we at last arrived in this small town and we were all being stared at. Well, wouldn't you be if you had a huge white dragon following you? Anyway we went to the nearest store, but as we arrived court mage Cherry insisted that we shouldn't enter and that only messenger Carmen would be allowed in. Julian was naturally too large to fit through the door. Shield-bearer Lily couldn't go in since her absence might make Julian a little mad and we really don't want that, now do we? I shouldn't go in there since nobility isn't allowed to hang out with commoners. Which, in my opinion, is complete bullocks, but hey, I wasn't in the mood to argue with court mage Cherry. In fact, I never am. Then she said something about her not being allowed to reveal herself to 'Muggles' -whatever that may be- and so only messenger Carmen was left since that random guy who's getting more attention than he's worth was already gone.
So we waited for about ten minutes in which nothing happened except that it started to rain violently. Then, one minute after it stopped raining, messenger Carmen got out of the store. She was completely dry and smiling brightly.
"Where are the batteries?" I asked.
"Oh… err… I didn't get any. They… They were too expensive." She answered.
"Really?" I asked. I couldn't think of anything better, OK?
"Yeah." Messenger Carmen nodded vehemently. "Batteries are like a… err… a sacred relic. Yeah, that's right. And they're really, really expensive."
"Oh." I said. Looking back on it I think my brains weren't really operating properly.
((((Flash forward and change of POV))))
"Don't say that." Lady Brooke said. "I know for a fact that there is only one situation where your brains couldn't be operating properly and since I wasn't with you at the time…"
Lord Sam blushed and quickly got on with the story.
((((Another flashback and, you guessed it, a change of POV))))
It seemed messenger Carmen had bought something called Pokéballs which she was going to use to catch these so-called Pokémon with. She had this elaborate plan that, with these caught Pokémon, she could challenge others and swindle lots of money out of them so we could finally buy some batteries. The tale of Carmen's first Pokémon is long and mushy and involves a lightning storm and a swarm of Spearow, and I'm really not going to tell that. Anyway Carmen caught six of those little critters, one of which is now plucking the stuffing out of your throne.
((((Flash forward and POV-switch once again))))
"What!" Lady Brooke shouted as she turned around to her heavily damaged throne.
Fluffy glared at her, shouted 'Skarmory!' again and took off.
"And stay gone!" Lady Brooke shouted. She then turned back to Lord Sam again. "I'm sorry honey. Please, continue."
((((For more information about the sentence supposed to be here consult the two previous flashbacks))))
Anyway, messenger Carmen's quest for Pokémon proceeded smoothly and after a mere few days we already had more than thousand currency units. But messenger Carmen said that that wasn't enough yet and that we should continue a whole lot more. At that point in time I started to distrust messenger Carmen a little, but she seemed to know what she was doing. Then one day we ran into those three kids again that were the cause that we ended up there in the first place. Fortunately for us Carmen beat the crap out of that Pikachu with a Sandslash named Cuddly. Anyway, it was getting late and we all headed towards the nearest Pokécentre where we could stay for free. Then the funniest thing happened. While I was… err… pretending for a few fleeting moments that you, my love, were indeed by my side I heard some very… distinctive sounds. At first I thought it was Lily and Julian, but then I heard a very similar sound coming from the roof, so I figured it had to be someone else. I never really figured out who it was, but the day after this girl with orange hair decided to come with us and she stayed very close to Carmen.
((((You know what's supposed to be here))))
"She isn't pregnant is she?" Lady Brooke asked.
"Who? Carmen or Misty?"
"No." Sam assured.
Lady Brooke sighed in relief. "Good. I don't think we could've handled three babies at the same time."
"Can I go on with my story now?"
"Of course, please do."
((((Blah blah, woof woof))))
After that not much really happened. Carmen kept getting better, Lily and Julian kept getting into trouble for making out in the open and I… missed your touch more each day. So, to make a long story short Carmen won the Pokémon League and earned heaps of money so we could finally buy those damned batteries. Court mage Cherry got her wand working again and then there she went.
((((Gone for lunch, be back when this story is over))))
"Don't you mean 'there we went'?"
"Unfortunately no. Court mage Cherry warped out by herself and we spent the next six months walking home."
"Hmmm, that's strange. I wonder where court mage Cherry went."
"You mean she isn't here?" Lord Sam asked hopeful.
"I'm afraid not." Lady Brooke answered.
Lord Sam embraced her Lady and passionately kissed her on the lips.
"You don't know how happy that makes me."
Lord Sam at the Court of the Dragon King
NOTE: I'm writing this fic with the sole intent to brighten my own life a little. If it also brightens the life of someone else, then that's very nice.
Adair was a gargoyle. This little piece of information might be very irrelevant if Adair didn't have at least a small part in this story. But since Adair _does_ have a small part in this story it's rather important to know she was a gargoyle. Because if you'd read something like 'Adair flapped her mighty wings' and you thought she was human then that might cause some confusion.
So, like I said before, Adair was a gargoyle. And she had a pretty simple life too. She worked in the Hatchery of the royal mountain. That meant she had to sit somewhere all day and keep an eye on the eggs that were slowly hatching in the numerous pools of lava. Most of these eggs contained other gargoyles, but some contained dragons. Nobody knew what would be in which egg, since dragons and gargoyles are far more closely related to each other than many think. In fact, gargoyles _were_ dragons. Where Adair lived the dragons formed the nobility and the gargoyles were the commoners. Nobody complained since the Lords and Ladies tended to fry each other on a regular basis, whilst the gargoyles remained unharmed. All in all, it was a fairly good arrangement.
But unfortunately for Adair, but fortunately for the progress of this story, Adair's simple life would soon come to an end. She has been summoned to what was referred to as the really big room. Humans might've called it the throne room, but since there were no thrones in it, it would be pretty stupid to call it the throne room. In fact, the room was completely empty except for the King so they could've called it the king room, but that might become problematic if there ever came a Queen. The only constant of that room was that it was really big so everybody called it the really big room.
Anyway, Adair appeared in front of the King. This week it was a large black dragon and he looked like he could actually manage to keep the throne for at least a month. Adair bowed.
"You sent for me?" Adair said. She didn't say stuff like 'my Lord' or 'my Lady' since it was just a waste of time and everybody already knew the titles of the one spoken to, so why repeat them?
"I did." Said the Dragon King. "I need you to travel to the Realm of P'p'l'r and deliver a message."
Adair was very surprised by this. "But why?" She said. "I work in the Hatchery. I'm not a messenger."
"I know." Said the Dragon King. "But for some strange reason I feel it is imperative that you should go."
What the Dragon King doesn't know is that this feeling is caused by the narrator, who has already introduced Adair and thought that this was a good way to keep her in the story.
So there Adair went, all the way from the Rim Mountains to the land of P'p'l'r. Adair briefly wondered why they were called the 'Rim Mountains' since they weren't on the rim of anything. In fact, they stood in the middle of the continent. Then she thought that maybe they were named like that by someone who had no imagination whatsoever and had called it the Rim Mountains because it sounded impressive.
Meanwhile, someplace else, Lord Sam was sitting on her throne. She was once again listening to an entire tidal wave of meaningless complaints. Lord Sam knew for a fact that these complaints were all founded on the principle that all the inhabitants had a very good life with lots of spare time and they all used that time to either spy on the neighbours or come up with complaints. But Lord Sam wasn't very bothered with all of that. Not now. Not while her court mage was missing and her wife was about to have a child. In Lord Sam's opinion things couldn't get better. Then the doors to the throne room swung open and Lord Sam suddenly had this irrational fear that the good life was about to end. A gargoyle walked casually into the throne room, briefly bowed before Lord Sam, looked up and said:
"I take it you rule this place?"
"I do." Lord Sam answered, not in the least bit annoyed in the fact that the gargoyle showed little respect for her.
"Well, I've got a message for a 'Lady Sam'. Is that you?"
Lord Sam smirked. "You weren't born in P'p'l'r, were you?" She said.
"Nope." The gargoyle said. "And if it was up to me I'd never come here in the first place. But I've been demoted to messenger, so here I am."
Lord Sam took the piece of parchment the gargoyle handed her, briefly skimmed over the surface, grew pale and gave the parchment back again. She then took out a blank piece of parchment, a feather and some ink from the secret compartment at the side of her throne that only exists in this story for a short while so that Lord Sam can instantly write a response.
Lord Sam quickly scribbled down something on the parchment and looked up.
"Messenger Carmen!" Lord Sam shouted.
From somewhere in the throne room, conveniently located behind a few benches, the head of messenger Carmen appeared. She looked like someone who had been disturbed in rather pressing matters. Messenger Carmen quickly got up and, upon noticing the frown Lord Sam gave her, quickly pulled down her shirt.
"You… err… you called?" Messenger Carmen said.
"I did." Lord Sam answered while handing the parchment over to messenger Carmen. "I want you to take this to the Dragon King."
"Hey, can't I do that?" Adair suddenly said. "I mean, I'm going back there anyway, so it's not so much of a problem to take your message with me."
"I know." Lord Sam said. "But there are rules and stuff. I have to send one of my own messengers. It's just the way things are done."
Adair shrugged and looked around. Meanwhile Carmen was heading for the exit, while looking through the throne room as if looking for something.
"Are you coming?" Carmen said, when she found the person she was looking for.
"Almost." Misty answered as she tried to put on her shirt and pants at the same time.
The doors slammed shut once again and Lord Sam was alone in the throne room with Adair.
"So, what do we do now?" Adair asked, still not used to this messenger stuff.
"Now we wait for a day and then go to the court of your master." Lord Sam looked at Adair for a moment. "What's your name, by the way?"
The next day Lord Sam sat on Mike and she was really not happy. She was forced to let her love stay behind since Lady Brooke was incapable of travel right now and, although Lord Sam realised all the important and possibly lethal implications of not showing up at the court of the Dragon King, she would've much rather stay with her. Lord Sam and Adair were about to depart when someone shouted from the top of the castle.
The dragon Julian came swooping down in front of the duo and rose up.
"Hi sis." Adair greeted cheerfully. "Didn't know you were here. How have you been doing?"
"What are you doing here?" Julian asked.
"Wait." Lord Sam interrupted. "You two are _sisters_?"
"Yeah." Julian said. "Got a problem with that?" She added threateningly.
"Well… no… but… she's a gargoyle and you're a dragon."
"So?" Julian said.
"I… well… never mind."
"Good." Julian said, then diverted her attention back to Adair. "Where you going?"
"Home." Adair answered. "Wanna come?"
"No." Julian answered. "My wife is giving birth as we speak and I need to stay here."
"I understand." Adair said.
"How is that possible?" Lord Sam said, realising a little too late that butting in on this conversation might not be a very good idea. "Shield-bearer Lily became pregnant about a month after my wife. How come she's earlier?"
Both Julian and Adair glared at her.
"Do you know nothing?" Julian said. "Everyone knows that in cases like this the human lays an egg which hatches after exactly one week."
"I thought it was just two days." Adair said.
"We don't have a lava room here." Julian explained.
"Oh." Adair said. "Right." She added.
The conversation went for a little bit after that, but it mainly consisted of Julian saying 'Well I won't keep you here any longer' and Adair saying 'See you around sis'.
Exactly three-and-a-half days later Lord Sam and Adair arrived at the royal mountain, which lay in the centre of the Rim Mountains. They walked through several dark and damp corridors when Lord Sam suddenly noticed something unusual.
There was a human here.
He was sitting on a chair behind a computer. Lord Sam didn't know what a computer was so she thought that he was just sitting behind something.
"Who is that?" Lord Sam asked.
"Dunno." Adair said. "We call him 'the writer'."
"Well, see that large block he's chained to?"
Then Lord Sam noticed that the writer was in shackles and chained to a large block with the letters 'PS' on it. Somehow Lord Sam didn't think that 'PS' stood for 'Post Scriptum'.
"Yeah." Lord Sam said. "So?"
"Well, he uses that thing to create stories." Adair explained. "Then he puts those stories into the block. Sometimes something comes out of the block and he's really happy, but sometimes nothing happens and he gets a little depressed. But he always continues writing."
"Is this some sort of punishment?" Lord Sam asked.
"I don't think so." Adair said. "He chained himself up to that block, so unless he's a very dedicated follower of the law it was his own choice."
Sam noticed that the guy had blonde hair, blue eyes hiding behind a pair of glasses and a rather pale skin complexion. She also noticed that he was about one metre and eighty centimetres high and that he was rather skinny. Lord Sam gambled that he was about nineteen years old. Then she wondered why she was paying so much attention to this person so she turned around.
Little did she know that the guy controlled the world she lived in that right now he was trying desperately to think of something funny. Lord Sam was unaware of this, stepped on a banana peel and fell down. She looked up at the guy who had a very dissatisfied frown on his face.
Suddenly Lord Sam was standing again, the banana peel was gone and she had never even tripped in the first place.
The guy smiled briefly at this nice cover-up of a complete lack of inspiration.
So Lord Sam arrived at the really big room. The large black dragon was still the King and his fierce red eyes were the only things lighting the place up a little.
"Lady Sam?" He growled.
"I believe one of your followers is missing."
"How did you…?" Then Lord Sam realised what the Dragon King meant and groaned. The good life was now most certainly over. "Hello court mage Cherry." Lord Sam said.
A large red locomotive crashed through the wall of the really big room and out stepped none other than court mage Cherry.
"Ah have returned!" She announced, like that was something to be happy about.
"Couldn't you keep her. Please?" Lord Sam asked the Dragon King.
The Dragon King suddenly looked doubtful for a moment. "Well… at first we considered it. Then we thought of eating her but in the end we found it to be more fair to return her."
"You're fed up with her too, huh?" Lord Sam said.
"Yes." The Dragon King admitted.
Lord Sam sighed. "Alright Cherry, let's go."
"Ah just want to take this opportunity tah thank all mah fans." Court mage Cherry suddenly. "Ah wouldn't be here without you."
Lord Sam merely rolled her eyes. "Could we just get going?"
She turned to leave when all of the sudden messenger Carmen and Misty entered the really big room. She was about to deliver the parchment over to the Dragon King, when she noticed Lord Sam.
"You're a bit late, aren't you?" Lord Sam said.
"We… err… we got lost in a forest." Messenger Carmen said.
"And this forest wouldn't happen to have a lot of orange and brown grass, now would it?"
Even in the dimly lit really big room it was extremely obvious that messenger Carmen and Misty were blushing heavily.
"Never mind." Lord Sam said. "Nothing could make my mood even worse now."
So, three-and-a-half days later, Lord Sam, court mage Cherry, messenger Carmen and Misty all arrived back at the Palace again. She saw shield-bearer Lily sitting in the courtyard, leaning against Julian, and feeding her baby girl. If Lord Sam had been paying attention she would have seen that the girl had a few white scales on her body in strategically located places so that, when she grew up, they would enhance her beauty. But Lord Sam wasn't paying attention, and who could blame her? She rushed through the Palace to her chambers and when she was about to open the door to her room it was already opened by the lowly peon Harrison who was about to bring some news that would not go over well with Lord Sam.
"Congratulations, my Lord!" The lowly peon Harrison exclaimed cheerfully. "It's a boy!"
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