Title: Life in the Slow Lane
Disclaimer: Don’t own them. Don’t profit.
A/N: Just fluff. Nothing of substance.
“I saw you take that.”
The look she received was pure innocence, but Amy wasn’t budging. “Lucy, I saw you slip that candy bar up your sleeve.”
Eyes rolling, nostrils flaring around a sigh, Lucy muttered, “It’s just a freaking candy bar, for Chrissakes.”
“Exactly,” Amy replied, somewhat smugly. “It costs 69 cents plus tax. Why on earth would you want to steal it?”
Shrugging her shoulders, looking somewhat sheepish, Lucy mumbled, “I don’t know. I’m bored, maybe.”
A blonde brow arching in amusement, Amy worked to suppress a giggle. “Missing the excitement of a life of crime?”
“No,” Lucy replied defensively. Then, unsure, “Maybe.”
“Awww,” Amy cooed with false sympathy. “Big bad Lucy Diamond has been reduced to stealing candy bars.”
“Not just candy bars,” Lucy protested, face flushed with embarrassment. “I stole a Diet Coke the other day.”
“A Diet Coke,” Amy echoed, voice clearly conveying her amusement.
“It was the Splenda kind,” Lucy pouted sullenly, crossing her arms over her chest as if to protect herself from the onslaught of laughter she could feel coming her way.
Sighing, Amy looped a forefinger through a belt loop on each side of Lucy’s zipper, tugging the other girl to her, unmindful of the other customers in the store. “Poor baby,” she murmured, devilish smile teasing at the corners of her mouth. “I’m going to have to rewrite my thesis.”
“There is absolutely no need to mock me,” Lucy protested, even as she allowed Amy to draw her in closer. “I’m going through a major lifestyle change, you know.”
“And I’m not?” Amy asked incredulously.
“Yeah, but it’s different,” Lucy said, pouting. “You’re going to be living your dream in, what… like a month, right? And, so what if you won’t technically be an active D.E.B. for a while. You’ve only done it for the last four years of your life. I’ve been lying and stealing my whole life, Amy. It’s like the only thing I know how to do. I mean, what am I supposed to do all day in Barcelona while you’re at art school? Be the little housewife waiting at home for you with dinner on the table and your socks washed and folded?”
“You fold your socks?” Amy asked, slightly thrown.
Sighing deeply, Lucy frowned. “The point, Amy. Stay on it.”
“Right,” Amy said contritely. “You’re not making the transition from life of crime to life of… uh, no crime, very well. You feel like you’ve lost your purpose in life. You feel like the thing that defines you is gone, and without it you have no true identity. You feel…”
“You can stop now,” Lucy broke in, slightly irritated. “Now I feel worse than I did before we had this sensitive chat.”
“Sorry,” Amy murmured placatingly. “Okay, so what did you do before you met me?”
“You know, planned heists, stole things, extorted people, thought of ways to sink Australia,” Lucy listed. “Oh, and Scud and I were thinking of moving into identity theft. It’s pretty hot these days.”
“Okay,” Amy said, voice measured. “Well, can’t you still do those things?”
Eyes narrowing, Lucy looked at Amy with disbelief. “After all the trouble I went through to go clean so that you’d go out with me again?”
Smiling, remembering the news reports of returned piles of cash and precious artwork fondly, Amy said, “Do them in your head. You know, plan them out but just don’t carry through with them.”
Rolling her eyes, flicking her head to the side to clear away long bangs, Lucy griped, “That’s no fun. That may even be less fun than stealing candy bars.”
“I don’t know then,” Amy said with exasperation, miffed that Lucy hadn’t seen the brilliance of that particular plan. “Maybe you could get a job or something.”
“A job,” Lucy repeated, voice deadpan. “And just what kind of job am I qualified for, Amy?”
Somewhat stumped by the question, Amy offered, “Firearms instructor? Bank security?”
Lucy merely rolled her eyes… again.
“Hmm… how about sex slave,” Amy murmured lasciviously. “I’m hiring.”
Dark eyes sparking to life at the innuendo, Lucy growled, “But I’m already providing those services for free.”
“True,” Amy said lightly. “No incentive to hire you on for pay now.”
“I’m not sure I like those terms,” Lucy said archly. “Maybe I’ll look for other employment.”
“And maybe I’ll find someone to take your spot,” Amy shot back.
Eyes narrowed, Lucy said lowly, “You wouldn’t dare.”
Grinning, giving the other girl’s belt loops another tug, Amy whispered, “No, I wouldn’t. You’re the only girl for me, Lucy Diamond.”
“And it’s a good thing, too,” Lucy replied, tone light. “I’ve still got the laser. I could sink Australia, you know.”
At that, Amy rolled her eyes. “I don’t even understand that plan. What’s the point of sinking Australia? Wouldn’t it be better to hold them ransom for, oh, I don’t know,” she paused, a single brow arching for effect, “one million dollars?”
“That is so cheesy,” Lucy sighed. “I think I’m insulted. Did you just compare me to Dr. Evil?”
“No,” Amy said sincerely, though Lucy couldn’t tell if her smile was real or not. “You were a much better master criminal than he was. I promise.”
Eyes narrowing as she searched the other girl’s face for the truth, Lucy said, “Which brings us right back to the point. What am I going to do now? My resume, though impressive, probably isn’t going to land me my dream job.”
“But I thought your dream job was to be a pirate,” Amy said innocently. “I think your resume will show that you’re overly qualified, actually.”
“Yeah, and then what? I’ve already got one D.E.B. after my ass. I’m not sure I can handle more than that.”
“I can’t believe you said that,” Amy said, her voice full of affront despite the quick slap she gave to the body part in question.
“Ow,” Lucy yelped, more shocked than hurt. “And I can’t believe you just did that in public. I thought you D.E.B.S. were good girls.”
“No,” Amy replied patiently. “We may be cops, but we’re hardly ever good.”
Dark eyes twinkled mischievously as inky black bangs fell across her forehead, and looking at Lucy in that moment, Amy could almost feel herself falling in love with the other girl all over again. She felt her heart skip a beat, felt the rest of the world fall away so that there was nothing but the two of them.
“Do you… do you not want to go?” she asked hesitantly, suddenly shy. Though it hadn’t really occurred to her before that moment, she was afraid she was being selfish. It had been her idea to go to Barcelona. It was her dream they were following.
Rolling her eyes, Lucy snorted. “Of course I want to go to Barcelona. Hello… lounging away in a Spanish paradise with my chica? Drinking sangria and making up imaginary plans to terrify the locals? Sounds like perfection to me.”
“Then why the candy bar?” Amy asked, again, confused once more.
Sighing, Lucy slid the candy bar back into place. “If my little crisis entails nothing more than the boosting of a little bit of junk food, then I think it’s safe to say that I’ve made a pretty healthy transition. You’re going to have to give me a little wiggle room here.”
Amy pretended to ponder this for a moment, head tilted to the side and brows furrowed as she thought. “How about this,” she began slowly, “you tell me every time you feel the urge to do something bad, like stealing a candy bar, and I’ll…”
The rest she whispered directly into Lucy’s ear.
Dark eyes sparked, impressed and intrigued. “That just might work,” Lucy allowed, smirking. “And did I tell you I just had an overwhelming urge to steal another candy bar? A Snickers… why wait, or so they say.”
Amy smiled indulgently before tugging Lucy to her again, gracing her with a soft kiss before spinning on her heel, one hand wrapped around the other girl’s wrist as she practically drug her out of the store.
As they passed through the pneumatic doors, Lucy gave the security guard stationed there a bright, sunny wave. “You can have this back,” she called, tossing him a pack of gum. “I don’t think I’ll be needing it any more.”