Title: Inner Monologue
Summary: Post-coital ruminations of a certain cyber genius.
Fandom: Birds of Prey the Series
Rating: R-ish...cuz I have an affinity for a certain word that starts w/ f and rhymes w/ uck
Feedback: yes please.
Disclaimer: If I had the rights to this...I wouldn't have mucked up like those network nitwits at Time/Warner and who ever was hiring the writers...<shudder>...With that said...Don't sue me
A/N: This fic is unbeta'd.
Thisisadreamthisisadreamthisisadreamthisisadreamthisisadreamthisisadreamthisisadreamthisisadream. Okay, that's been my mantra for the past hour. I think it's safe to say this is not a dream. What the hell was I thinking? This can't be happening. Why did I let this happen? Oh my god, it happened. Okay, now I'm freaking out. Why am I freaking out? I mean how unusual is it to fall in love with your best friend? No, there's nothing anomalous about that? Right? I mean it happens all the time. I mean it's logical, right? We work together, and we hang out all the time. We've know each other for years. I mean I practically raised...Oh my god! What have I done? Oh my god! I'm Woody Allen! Glasses, red hair, neurosis, and I slept with a daughter like figure. Yup, I'm officially Woody Allen. There has to be a special place in hell for people like me, right?
Barbara, how did you let this happen? What happened to just being content to be close her? How may times have you contemplated the ramifications of this ever occurring? Damnit! This wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to be stronger. You were the one who was supposed to level headed about the situation. You let it get out of hand. You lost total control of the situation and now everything is completely fucked up because you were weak. Being in that chair has made you soft Gordon. Look at you, totally lacking in any semblance of discipline. Taking advantage of someone who trusts you more than anyone or anything in this entire world. You are so fucked Gordon. there is no turning back from this. And that is the exact same reason why it wasn't supposed to happen in the first place. Now everything is gonna be messy. You're gonna have to tell her that this wasn't supposed to happen. That you made an error in judgment. That you got caught up in the moment and that it was...What? A mistake? How could you have been so stupid!! She's gonna hate you. She'll let you know just how much too, when she leaves you. And you'll be alone. Why does something that feels so right have to be so wrong?
Just look at her. How can anyone not love her? Sure she's brash and at times rather coarse, but when she smiles, everything becomes brighter. She has this confidence I'm in total awe of. And when she says "No sweat," nothing ever seems impossible. Her strength and courage are inspirational. Her laugh infectious. The mystery she possesses always leaves me wanting more. How can anyone not love her?
I'm amazed by the myriad contradictions she embodies that somehow manage to coexist within her. How can any one not love someone who lives each day as if it were her last and given what we do, that just may be true? Though, a life without Helena can't even be fathomed. There would be no life without her in it. She is everything. All fire and ice. All sex and swagger. All darkness and brooding.
All recklessness and appetite. Rage and gentleness. She's innocence stolen too quickly, too savagely. She is everything. Both her attributes and flaws are enviable, because she embraces them equally. Look how beautiful she is. She has her father's strong jaw with her mother's angles. Her eyes are so blue they become violet, and you lose yourself in them.You just find yourself transfixed in these huge pools of emotion. She has pouty, red lips that just beg to be kissed, to be worshipped, and adored. Her body all feline curves and slenderness. Sleek and beguilingly strong. It offers safety to those it envelops. How can any one not be in total love with her?
What were we thinking? That's just it, we weren't thinking at all. We were too busy feeling to be thinking. How's that for a kicker. I mean both of us are pretty fucked up emotionally. And the fact that we've gotten to the place we are now...it's a small miracle. We could do this. We can do this. I mean it could really work out for us. It will work out because it's what we both want...need. It's completely insane, illogical on so many levels, but at the same makes perfect sense that we should arrive to this moment. God help us.
She's so adorable when she's half asleep. I bend over and kiss her on the forehead.
"We went to see a production of 'Eurydice.' It was my thirtieth birthday. And you asked what I wanted do and I said I wanted to see 'Eurydice' at Gotham Metropolitan, and after a great deal of grumbling and pouting, you put on your nicest dress and took me to the theater. Even though I knew you hated every minute of it, it was one of the best nights ever for me. To be out with you like that. To see you all grown up. To see you as the woman you had became."
The remembrance makes me smile.
"Anyway, I was just saying...that's when I knew."
"That I could never live without you."
She just smiled and snuggled closer to me. And in that moment I knew whatever fears or reservations I've been torturing myself with, over the last hour and half couldn't compete with the warmth against my body. Whatever happens later. We'll worry about it later. But for right now, I'm going to embrace this place in heaven for me.