Title: "Up To You."
Author: A.M. Glass
Copyright: Dec. 6th, 1999
Disclaimer: Joss owns all the characters from "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" I'm just using them, though not directly for this story.
Author's Note: Gee, what do I mean by the disclaimer? Well, I'm not mentioning anyone by name, I'm leaving it up to you, hence the story title..
Feedback: Yes, please, I need to know if the story worked and well, without your feedback, I'll never know.
Thanks: I wonder how many people have actually ever thanked the people who offered to beta a story, but for some reason or other didn't get to? Well, I'd like to personally thank the following people who responed to my plea for help: Pat Kelly, Holly O'Neall, Jon Penner and let me not forget, Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. I hope you won't mind if I call upon your help for any other stories I write, thanks.
Special Thanks: Goes to my beta reader, Cassandra.
Okay, so here it goes.
Or rather I think I'm in...
Boy, this is harder that I thought.
I mean, it's so easy for me to say the words in my head, but when it comes right down to actually saying or writing, even typing them, it's not.
Boy, that doesn't make much sense.
But then, I haven't been making any since I found out.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning...
Yes, that's what I'll do, start at the beginning.
I mean, every story has a beginning, middle and an end.
Except, I don't know what the ending is yet.
Anyway, it started one morning, not very long ago.
In fact, it began yesterday.
So much for the dramatic build up.
My morning started off like any other.
Got up... got out of bed... dragged a comb across...
Wait, that sounds like the Beatles.
Anyway, I share my dorm room with someone... my friend.
And, well this friend is really kind of special to me...
Which is a plus, let me tell you...
You should have 'seen' my last...
Never mind, I'm getting off track.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, my friend.
I wish you could see her the way I do.
It would take hours to mention everything I think is special about her.
We've been through a lot together, you know, trials and tribulations, that sort of thing.
So... I'm getting ready to go to class, when I hear a noise.
Not a loud noise, mind you.
But the kind that makes you stop what you're doing and look around the room to see if you can figure out where it's coming from kind of noise.
It's not alien... something that doesn't belong...
In fact, it's very familiar.
It sort of gets your mind wandering...
You've heard it before...
'Not' because you've made it...
But, you 'know' what it is.
And you know you're not making it...
So... that could only mean one thing.
'And, if I'm not making it... then.'
That's when I turned in my friend's direction.
The absolute last thing I'd ever want to do is embarrass anyone, not really.
Okay... so there was that one time when I...
There I go again, I must love getting side-tracked, maybe I'll get one of those S.U.V's one day and really go off-track.
Okay... um... NOISE! Yeah, okay... noise.
So, I kinda walk over to where she's sleeping, and the closer I get, the louder the noise seemed.
Um... I've never really expected her to make 'that' kind of sound before.
It made me look at her differently, it's as if she's grown up and I hadn't really noticed until now.
The next thing I know, I'm kneeling beside her bed...
I couldn't help myself, honestly I couldn't.
Well, she... um... she kind of starts... panting.
Her... her legs, they start moving a little, up and down, sometimes they cross over each other.
And I'm telling myself:
"Leave.... leave before she wakes up."
I can hear it over and over in my mind, but I can't move.
I'm frozen in place.
I have to say, I thought the room started getting a tad bit warmer.
She's having a really... really... have I mentioned 'really' yet? A good time, wherever or whatever she's doing in her dream.
It's getting to the point where I'm actually starting to fan myself.
I'll tell you something else I didn't notice it right away, but... I... ah... I started imitating her breathing patterns.
And she was breathing pretty fast.
I could see tiny beads of perspiration form on her upper lip.
She moaned, a little louder this time.
And... she kind of hissed the word, "Yes."
But not the way you might think... not 'Y-E-S'.
More like... "Yessssssss"
Her hands, which by the way where above her blankets, were clenched tight.
Then she said something that totally shocked me:
"I love you..." then my name.
I was floored.
I landed on my butt without so much as an 'excuse me, but I need to sit down now.'
I found myself scooting away from the bed as quickly as I could, only to be stopped when I heard her say:
"I've always loved you."
Not in a 'oh-this-has-to-stop-right-now' kind of frown, but rather, 'why-haven't-I-noticed-this-before?' frown.
I got up off the floor and taking one last look at her I left the room.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't have anyone I could talk to; granted, I have close friends... but I couldn't bring this up, because 'she' hadn't brought it up.
I mean, we've told each other 'I love you' before.
Friends do that on occasion.
But... and there's always a 'but', it's never been 'that' kind of an 'I love you'.
So, I spent the entire day walking around campus, I missed all of my classes, which, now that I think of it, wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, considering we share one class together.
I didn't go back to my new home away from home until one o'clock in the morning. I think a part of me was hoping that she'd be asleep when I got in.
No such luck.
She was sitting on the edge of her bed, her blankets covering her shoulders.
I closed the door behind me.
She didn't say a word, she just watched as I walked over to my bed and sat down. I didn't have to look over and see her get off her bed and walk over towards me. She sat down and wrapped her blanket around us both.
"Sleepy?" she asked.
She unwrapped herself from the blanket and left my side.
And a funny thing happened... not funny 'ha-ha'.
Funny... odd, I guess.
I didn't want her to leave me.
She walked to the top of my bed and moved my blankets down, she came back to me, pulled me up and put me to bed...
Yes, she took my shoes off, I know some of you would just wonder about it.
The last thing she did before going back to her own bed was kiss me on my cheek.
"Good night," she whispered.
I hadn't said word one the entire time, and I doubt I would have made any sense even if I had.
My dreams were erratic... not erotic... erratic.
They mostly centered around 'us'.
Different phases of our lives, how close we'd become in such a short amount of time. The arguments we've had...
When she kissed her boyfriend... I... I didn't like it. I didn't like the way it made me feel, kind of distressed. At first I was happy for her...
Now, I'm not so sure.
I know as I'm writing this down, I'm wondering what it would be like to kiss her.
Not a friendly kiss on the cheek, but the kind that curls your toes, leaving you panting... gasping... and any other 'ings' I can think of.
I want to be able to look in her direction and watch her blush because of something we might have done, or are about to do... or anything in between.
I want this...
I want to be the one causing those moans... not a dream.
I want this...
Now, the big question is: how do I go about getting it?
By the time I woke up, she was gone, she'd left me a not saying we could talk, if I wanted to about whatever was bothering me.
She's always looking out for me... and our friends.
I managed to get to all of my classes, but I didn't see her in the one we shared.
And that made me worried... worried and scared.
I tried looking around campus for her during lunch-no luck.
Of course I tried all the other placed I knew she would go... I couldn't find her anywhere. I went to my next class, only because I knew she wouldn't want me to miss another day and I didn't want to disappoint her.
I knew that if I didn't find her by the time I had headed back to the dorm, I'd have to call out for reinforcements.
I walked down the hall that led to our dorm room.
Each step I took brought me closer to the door, and what lay behind it.
It promised either happiness beyond my wildest dreams because I had decided to tell her; or she wouldn't be there and I would start losing it until she was back here with me.
I know you're all wondering what happened, once I finally reached the door.
How long did I stand outside before working up the courage to actually go in?
Was she there?
Did I open the door, my heart heavy with anticipation, and find her waiting for me?
Did I run into her arms and smother her with kisses and profess my undying love for her? Only for her to smile and ask me what took me so long?
Did we do the horiziontial mambo?
Or... am I alone, waiting for her to walk in so that I can finally tell her...
Tell her how much I love her... how much she means to me, and please say she loves me 'that' way.
Am I writing this down at the very exact second this is happening, giving myself something to do until that moment?
Is she leaning over my shoulders and whispering in my ear, letting me know we have better things to do...?
Things that will keep my hands far more occupied than writing this down.
Did I turn and wrap my arms around her waist, holding on tight as she caressed my hair?
I think I'll leave that up to you to decide.
I've got some things to take care of.
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