Author: A.M. Glass
Copyright: Jan. 18th, 2003
Revised: Jan. 19th, 2003
Spoilers: Various episodes from the fifth, sixth and seventh seasons.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox Studios, Mutant Enemy, et al, have something to do with "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". No copyright infringement is intended or inferred. The story along with any/all original characters are the sole property of the author and cannot be used without expressed permission first. Oh, very quickly, I make mention of Xena and Gabrielle in this story, they are not in the story however.
Thanks: Goes to Fiona, my beta reader for this endeavor.
Note: I’m not sure if this story works, it’s something that basically popped into my head. Lots of internal dialogue, it starts off with Willow thinking about Buffy, but it also includes Tara and Kennedy.
As Xander drove past the stop sign it hit me, not that I got hit with anything - it’s a sensation... a realization that more than anything else hits me.
I love Buffy.
I’m not going to over-analyze it. I’m not going to go on about how I love love her. I just know as sure as I’m sitting next to Xander, while he goes on about his next project; that I’m in love, with my best friend.
Again with the “huh?”
I don’t see myself telling her anytime soon, I can’t. Not enough time has passed since Tara. And I’m not substituting Buffy for Tara. No one can ever take her place, and no one ever will.
The thing is that Buffy ... she’s always been the one I look to when the chips are down.
Need the world saved?
Need someone to share things with?
It all boils down to her: Buffy.
For a long time, it was Xander. I honestly thought that one day we’d walk up the aisle and get married.
Then there was Oz.
What can I say?
I didn’t love him at first, and he knew it. But over time, I did fall in love with him, which made his betrayal that much harder to face. He loved me, but he still slept with Veruca.
Things changed, I changed, and for far too short a time, it was Tara. My baby. My always. The person who made me see that I still had a heart, that I could still love. I miss her soo much. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving or missing her.
I know that if Tara were still here, with me, where she belongs, the feelings that have surfaced, the ones that pushed their way to my consciousness would have never appeared. Sure they would have been there, in the background like so much noise, but they would never have had a voice, the one that has been shouting in my mind recently.
“You love Buffy. Do something about it before it’s too late.”
Now I’m not certain if it isn’t too late.
I’ve noticed how Buffy and Xander have been getting closer. It’s a known fact that Xander has had a thing for Buffy since day one and though it may have taken me a while to believe it, I think he actually does... did? have feelings for Anya.
And after all we’ve been through, what he’s been through Xander still wants to protect Buffy.
He wants to be her everything.
There’s a void in Buffy’s life that he’s determined to fill one way or another, be it the loyal “boy-shaped” friend, or something else. I doubt either of us will fill that role. Buffy’s got too much on her plate at the moment, that she doesn’t need any more complications.
And, I’m not ready.
I suppose in a way it’s comforting, to know that yes, I can love again, that my heart hasn’t closed itself off completely.
It makes me feel sorry for Kennedy though. She probably doesn’t think I’ve noticed, but I have. If it wasn’t for Tara, I wouldn’t have seen the signals she’s tossing my way. Of course it took me a while to notice Tara’s, didn’t it baby?
I’ll have to find a way to let her down. That sounds so funny to me: I’ve got to let someone down.
Tara, I hope you can hear me... kinda like when Xena heard Gabrielle’s thoughts when she... I’ve got to stop reading Xena stories off the net. I’m getting worried that I won’t see you again after what I did, that we’d be kept from each other for eternity. I couldn’t handle that, I want to see you again Tara, I need to.
I hope you understand baby, about Buffy. I hope you’re not mad at me. You’re not... are you? What am I going to do? We’re almost home and I’ll have to keep my feelings in check, I can’t let Buffy know.
“You okay?” he asks as he parks the car.
“I’m fine, just thinking is all.”
“All right,” he says as he gets out of the car. “Hey Will...”
I turn towards my oldest friend in the world and I smile at him.
“I... I want you to know I haven’t forgotten her. I miss her.” He says softly.
I didn’t need to ask and he didn’t need to tell me whom he was talking about, we both knew. “I do too.”
We walk arm in arm to the front door, he’s a great guy when he wants to be. Before we have a chance to go in, the door opens and Buffy is standing there; my heart skips a beat.
“Is this a private thing or can I get in on this?”
Xander and I look at each other briefly before we take Buffy into our arms and share a hug. The Scoobies and the Slayer.
I stop thinking about the problems we have to face. I stop the pain - if for a moment and bask in the unconditional love from the two most important people in my life now.
I miss you Tara...
I love you Buffy.
|A. M. Glass||Buffy||Main Index|