Title: Letters Home
Author: A.M. Glass
Copyright: Nov. 8, 1999
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own a vested interest in Star Trek: Voyager, no copyright infringement is intended. This piece is strictly a non-profit venture.
Rating: 'G'-'PG' tops.
Author's Note: This is a first person P.O.V. piece. It contains spoilers of various episodes too numerous to name. It's also what I might call an angst filled story, some of you may not like the end, but it's where the story decided to end. These letters will not go through each episode, there will be times when I mention other letters that you won't find here. I guess you might call these highlights of certain events that happened to Captain Janeway.
To: Phoebe Janeway
C/O Gretchen Janeway
From: Capt. Kathryn Janeway
I hope you don't mind if I send these to you in care of Mother, as I'm not sure where you'll be when or if these finally get delivered.
How are things going with you?
We've had a rough time of it so far, and I'm not sure how the rest of the trip home will be.
I do know that I have the best crew in the entire Delta Quadrant...
Make that any quadrant.
I should let you know about some of my crew as I'll most likely mention them from time to time...
First, there's Commander Chakotay...
And then finally there's Kes.
Oh Pheeb, I think you two would get along so well.
Pheeb, I care for all of my crew, they depend on me as much as I depend on them.
But, Kes, is different.
She's what's called an Ocampa. They have a very limited life span, only nine short years.
I find myself wishing there was something I could do...
Something that would extend this gentle soul more time.
I'll end this here, I'm needed on the bridge.
Give my love to everyone,
To: Phoebe Janeway
From: Kathryn Janeway
I'm not sure if I can say this and really comprehend the words.
Dear sweet Kes...
You have no idea how much it hurts.
I can only imagine at how both Neelix and Tom are feeling right now.
She's not dead...
I have to keep reminding myself of that fact.
She's evolved into a higher life form.
And because of that, we're 10,000 light years closer to home than we were before.
I'm going to miss her Pheeb.
I'm not going to cry, I still have her with me, right here.
I don't know how we're going to cope with the immense loss...
You might find this an interesting footnote to this sad day.
We've picked up a new crew member.
Seven Of Nine.
She is... or rather was a Borg drone.
Close your mouth...
No, I'm not crazy and don't even think about taking me to the nearest medical facility to have me checked out.
I struck a deal with the Borg.
Even now, saying that out loud send shivers down my spine.
It's a deal that I hope won't come back to haunt me.
She's very stubborn... telling me... not asking me mind you, but telling me to return her back to the collective.
I can't do that Pheeb.
There's something about her, I can't send her back.She needs a chance to see what life has to offer her,and I'll do what I have to, to see that it happens.
I promise I'll try to write more, but you know me.
Time waits for no one, not even the Captain.
Give my love to Mom, Mark and the others.
I'll make this quick, I've got a letter from Mark and I can't wait to read it. I'll let you know all about it when I finish it.
I can only say that the method used in receiving the letters, as there are more than one, was a God send for me and my crew. We've all wondered what people had thought about us, if our loved ones had given up on us...
This is a small miracle that will surely boost the morale on the ship.
I'll talk to you later...
And you probably all ready knew what the letter said.
Strange if you will, hearing myself say those words.
It's even stranger that I'm not that upset over the whole thing.
Of course I was hurt...
I wouldn't be human if it didn't.
Knock off with the wise cracks Pheeb.
I always knew that it might come down to this.
No one really knew if we were dead or alive.
But I think I held on to the notion that there was someone back home, besides you and Mother waiting for me.
Seven's requesting my presence in Cargo Bay Two.
I'll have to let you know more about our resident ex-Borg in my next letter.
My how time flies when you're avoiding near death out here.
We've had some strange things go on over the last few years.
Some that even I find incredible to believe in, had I not actually experienced them myself first hand.
Let me get to the point.
Annika became a mother.
You know... Seven
You remember, I wrote to you about the discovery of the Raven and her parents, and her human designation as she calls it.
She became a mom.
Seven, as she still wishes to be called, became a mother due to a merging of her Borg technologies and the Doctor's holo-emmiter. It's a long story, one that will have to wait until I can tell you face to face.
It's a boy!!
Oh, Pheeb, I wish I could tell you how this has changed Seven, I don't even think she realizes it yet.
She's just left with One, that's his name, he chose it himself.
He's quite delightful...
Seven may not want to admit it, but I think she rather likes being a mom.
She's very good at it...
Of course she still puts on a brave front, as if it doesn't matter.
She's proud of his accomplishments, and takes the time to tell me about them.
I don't know Pheeb, but, I feel that we've grown closer these past few months.
She's made me look at things in a whole new way.
I think one day the student will surpass the teacher.
I've got to go...
We've got company...
He sacrificed himself for us, his collective.
Seven is devastated.
There was nothing the Doctor could do to save him...
That's not really true, One would not let the Doctor perform the surgery which would have saved him.
He knew that the Borg had become aware of his existence, that we would be in constant danger from them.
He couldn't put us through that, so he placed a forcefield around himself, and no matter how much Seven pleaded with him, he would not drop it.
He let himself die.
I waited a few hours before I sought Seven out.
We sat there, not really saying anything, in Cargo Bay Two.
I held her as she cried, I told her the pain would get easier, not at first, but one day she'd be able to look back and not be overcome with grief.
I've lost crewmembers during our quest to get home...
I've handled the pain I've felt each time we've lost a member of our family, that's what we've become...
But I've never felt a loss as deep as this, not since Kes.
I can't talk about this anymore...
I can't afford to...
Maybe when we get home...
It's been awhile, I know, I should write more, I will.
I have some news concerning Seven...
She went on her first date, and I missed it, I was called away to attend some boring diplomatic function.
I heard about it from her later.
To tell you the truth, I'm not sure exactly how I feel about the concept of her dating anyone.
I'm not saying that if she found someone on board that she chose to become involved with that I would do anything to stop it...
It just feels funny.
Anyway, the date didn't turn out the way it should have.
Now, I'm not sure if she'll ever consider trying it again. I mean just because she accidently injured her date is no reason to not to try again.
You know Pheeb, it's a shame people don't know her like I do...
She's has a wicked sense of humor...
Sometimes it is so dry...
It rivals Tuvok.
And you know him...
I'll say no more.
She has the most wonderful singing voice I've heard in a long time.
I have to confess something...
This can't be happening.
Seven's gone back to the Borg.
We were trying to get a piece of equipment that would have helped us get back to the Alpha Quadrant sooner from a disabled Borg vessel.
I took a small team...
We got the piece... but she stayed behind.
I had to leave her.
It was either that or risk the safety of my ship and crew.
Oh.. but I'm not going to let her get away.
I've got some ideas... they have to work.
We... the ship can not afford to lose her.
If I don't make it, take care of Molly for me.
Mom... I love you.
See you Pheeb.
Captain, USS VOYAGER
We made it.
You don't know how much I hoped to be able to record those few precious words.
As I look back over the events with time as my companion, I've realized something.
The entire mission; to get Seven back from the Borg Queen, could have gone horribly wrong.
I'm not sure right at this moment, if I did this just to rescue a crew member, in as much as rescue someone I've grown closer to.
That scares me Pheeb.
It scares me, how much I feel for this person.
I never intended to fall...
To fall in love.
Not Kathryn Janeway.
I can almost hear you saying:
"Why not you?"
I never gave it much thought.
Not until I had to leave her behind.
It felt as if half of my soul had been ripped out of me.
No, I haven't told her yet.
I don't have the courage to say the words my heart has been shouting. I've just been too deaf to hear them.
What if she doesn't feel the same?
How can I leave myself open to rejection?
By the same token, how will I ever know?
I've got to think about this.
Take care, my love to Mother.
Um... I'm in my quarters as you can see.
Now... before you ask.
I... ah... had a conversation with Seven earlier.
We've been having these late night talks for the last month now.
We talk about everything...
She surprised the Hell out of me.
She told me out of the blue:
"Captain... I have feelings for you."
To say I was floored is putting it mildly.
I wasn't sure how to react.
My heart was all over the place, as if it were jumping for joy.
I just nodded my head and said:
"Yes," she replied.
She went on to ask me if I had feelings for her.
I told her Pheeb....
I told her I did have/had feelings for her, but that I wasn't quite sure what they were.
In other words...
But what happened next was something I wasn't prepared for.
She told me:
"I do not wish to have the conversation I feel we are about to have."
My heart dropped...
She asked me... to paraphrase:
"Would I tell her the truth, how I felt if she said that there was someone on board who had approached her, and was interested in dating her.Would I tell her if it would hurt me to know that she might go out with this other person."
I couldn't answer right away.
I wasn't sure how to answer.
So, I thought about it.
"Yes... it would."
So she calmly states:
"I see, then I shall not pursue..."
I had to stop her Pheeb, I couldn't let her finish.
"Seven," I said. "I can't let you do that. I can't let you let an opportunity to be happy go by."
How could I Pheeb...?
What right did I have?
So I told her:
"Seven... I'm going to tell you something that I've never even contemplated saying to another woman before."
She just looked at me, waiting for whatever I had to say.
"I love you enough... as a friend to..."
Come on Pheeb, what else was I supposed to say?
"No... I don't want you to do this?"
What kind of person would that make me?
Can you tell me?
Do you have any idea how hard it was to say that without breaking down in front of her?
Shall I tell you that almost every morning for the past month, she's left a note in my ready room letting me know that she hopes my day goes well?
That she misses our times together when we can't talk?
How she lets me know that she enjoys our velocity matches...
The time we spend with the Maestro.
I told myself I wasn't going to cry.
I wasn't going to throw that back in her face.
I want her to be happy.
I just thought it might be with me.
She knows I will never stop being her friend.
She told me, that if it hadn't been for me, she would have never known what if felt like to care for someone.
Then she told me... wait, why don't I let you listen. I didn't know at the time, but I activated a data padd...
"I only wish to explore the possibility Kathryn. To see if someone else can make me feel the way I do for you. It is a daunting proposition, but one I feel I must undertake. It would be a dis-service to both of us if I always wondered... what if?I can not do that to you Kathryn, nor can I do that to myself. I hope you understand."
Then she kissed me and left.
I can only pray that she's happy no matter what happens.
She needs to find out, not just for her sake, but ours.
I need to know...
If she comes back...
I won't let her go.
|A. M. Glass||Star Trek||Main Index|