Title: Good Luck
Author: A.M. Glass
Copyright: January 1, 2005
Disclaimer: The characters from ďAll My Children,Ē belong respectively to Agnes Nixon, A.B.C. and the Disney Co. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred. The story along with any/all original characters are the sole property of the author and cannot be used without expressed permission first.
Authorís Note: This is an ANGST filled piece. ĎNuff said. This is a Lena/Bianca fic.
Feedback: Would like to know what you think about it.
I tried to contact you three times earlier this morning as itís New Years and I wanted to wish you a ďHappyĒ one. I didnít get to you obviously. Iím not sure now if I should try again. Iím divided about it. A part of me wants to, as I havenít missed one in almost eight years. The part of me that doesnít, is trying very hard to adhere to my resolution: speaking with you only once a month. However, Iím not sure if I can do it. I know I told you that I would do my best in not bringing up certain subjects that make you uncomfortable, in turn making me feel worse for mentioning it in the first place.
Itís so hard to imagine that our relationship has come down to this: Iím in love with you, but you arenít with me. How stupid am I for not recognizing what I had? What we had.
I was happy with you though you might not believe me. Knowing you as I think I do, you should get that frown off your face it doesnít belong there. Youíre not the one to blame, I am. Iíll live with that for the rest of my life. Iím not trying to make you feel guilty and I canít believe Iím doing it again. If you could see me right now, youíd see me shaking my head. Here I am, doing it again. Bringing it up after writing that I wasnít going to. When will I ever learn?
How did you let go? Can you tell me? Can you give me an idea? I want Ė not really Ė to learn to let you go. I donít want to have those feelings Ė the memories of what we were in my heart anymore. I... it hurts so much and to think I put you through that sickens me. How were you able to do it? Why did you for so long? How could you put up with my inability to feel as you did?
I guess itís a pretty good thing youíre not here anymore. If you were I donít think Iíd be able to control myself and Iíd do something silly and ruin whatís left of what we have. And thatís something Iím not willing to take a chance on, part of me believes, hopes that one day you might change your mind Ė that youíd open your heart one more time.
I donít know how to forget you.
I think it would help if I stopped listening to the audiotape you made me, but I need it. I listen to your voice Ė listen to the stories youíve written for me, back when I meant something to you. To hear your recollections of our first time together is magical. I try to imagine that youíre lying next to me, whispering everything you remember. All of your doubts Ė your hopes for the future and your feelings. Does this make me a masochist? Probably. It hasnít stopped me, though I should figure out how to transfer it to a CD, so I wonít wear out the tape.
Would I suffer to get you back? I think I already am.
Would I hold on to you with everything I have?
Could I love you? BE in love with you?
Could you love me?
Thatís the question I had the answer to.
Could I answer it now?
Would I choose correctly?
The answer would be: No.
You could Ė do love me, but you arenít in love with me.
What I wouldnít give to have your heart once more. I would never let a day go by without you knowing how I felt for you, how we feel for you.
Iím grateful that you havenít shut yourself out of Mirandaís life. She asks about you all the time and Iím glad sheíll be visiting you for her birthday. I wish she wasnít the only thing binding us together. She, like her mother loves you very much and is sad each time she comes home.
Iíve tried to explain to her why youíre not here with the two of us. Maybe when sheís older sheíll understand, or perhaps sheíll be angry with me for letting you go.
I see Iíve strayed off course again, Iím sorry.
I guess I should just do what I started to earlier and that is wishing you a Happy New Year Lena and good luck with your new job at the publishing company.
From your... friend,
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