Down to One

Title: Down to One

Author: Aeryn Sun

Email: willowrose_98@yahoo.com

Feedback: If the whim strikes.

Archiving: Ask, and ye shall receive. Just ask first.

Rating: PG to start, but you can never tell with me

Spoilers: All but mostly ‘Friends with Benefits’

Series/Universe: None. Yet. Heh

Summary: Spencer tries to deal with the fallout of her evening with Ashley and Aiden.

Couple: Ashley/Spencer

Warning: If the idea of two women involved in a romantic relationship together disturbs you, run, run far far away and never look back. If it's illegal where you live, move quickly. If you're under the legal age, age quicker, it's fun here. Other than that, enter at your own risk, and enjoy.

Author's Notes: My first SoN fic. I haven’t seen all the episodes; so, bear with me while I learn the characters.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never were. Not making any $$. Don't HAVE any $$. Don't sue.

<What the hell was I thinking> Spencer silently fumed to herself as she stared at the ceiling in her room. <Oh wait, I WASN’T thinking, that’s it. Any sensible thoughts were overwhelmed by hormones. Damn it.>

She flung her arm over her eyes and sighed dramatically. Really, what was going through her mind while she competed with Ashley for Aiden? She wasn’t even sure she wanted that cute but admittedly vapid excuse for a boy. Sure she told Ashley that she thought she did, but if she was honest with herself, Spencer knew that the main reason she had even said that to her brunette friend was to see Ashley’s reaction.

Spencer wasn’t even all that sure why she wanted to get a rise out of Ashley; what was her true motivation? Since admitting to Ashley that she thought she liked girls, liked as in LIKED, she felt like she was playing some sort of unspoken game with her best friend. A game where they both pushed and pulled at the other with their actions just to see what would happen. And as much fun as it was turning out to be, it was equally frightening to Spencer.

She’d never had occasion to question her sexuality back in Ohio. She had her friends and everything, sometimes went to the movies with the boys she hung out with but never really put a lot of thought into furthering a relationship with any of them. Especially after her disastrous first time with that farm boy back in Ohio. That kind of cured her of the desire to be intimate again any time soon.

So after that, Spencer hadn’t even thought about sex, romance, relationships, dating, any of that. The people in her life were just friends and nothing more.

<Hmmm, was I THAT repressed?> she smiled to herself.

Then she’d moved to L.A. and met Ashley. And her world had been tipped on it’s axis from the moment she locked eyes with those smoky brown ones.

Spencer mused, rolling onto her side to face the wall. <She’s so flippant and aloof all the time, hiding behind her sarcasm but when I look into those eyes, sometimes I can see the girl beneath all that. And she’s beautiful.>

Growling in annoyance with herself and her rapidly degrading train of thought, Spencer tried again to figure out what exactly had happened earlier. Was she trying to assert her heterosexuality by kissing Aiden? Part of her was trying to figure out if what she felt when she kissed him was excitement or disappointment. She honestly figured that kissing a guy, especially one as cute and into her as Aiden would set off bells or fireworks, or at least something. Instead it seemed ordinary, plain. But when she imagined she was kissing Ashley instead her stomach fluttered and adrenaline surged through her body.

<Not a good indication of my straightness> she sighed. Then again, admitting to Ashley that she was thinking about her as she did kissed Aiden kind of defeated that idea as well.

It had given Spencer a wild thrill in the pit of her stomach to hear Ashley freely admit that she too wasn’t kissing Aiden in her mind. Watching someone you thought you might have feelings for (and hoped maybe they returned) kiss someone else while they thought about you, turned out to be rather hot, in Spencer’s opinion. Every time she watched Ashley’s lips capture and meld into Aiden’s, she saw herself in Aiden’s place. And seeing exactly how Ashley kissed had made Spencer’s blood boil with desire and heart pound until she was sure that Ashley and Aiden could hear it.

<Crap> she scowled.

She jumped when she heard her cell phone buzz from the nearby nightstand. It was after one in the morning so Spencer knew who was calling. Ashley had been trying to reach her since Spencer had fled the brunette’s house hours ago. And like usual, Ashley was being her normal, persistent and stubborn self. Truth was Spencer wasn’t really avoiding Ashley; she just didn’t know what to say.

<’I’m not mad at you, Ashley. I just don’t know what’s going on with me’> she tried to work out what she’d say as she flipped open her phone to listen to the message that Ashley had left.

“Hey, Spence, it’s me. But I’m sure you already know that. And I know you’re not any more asleep right now than I am. But whatever. Look, I’m just calling to say that we can just forget this whole night happened, if that’s what you want to do. I just don’t…Spence…please don’t be mad or anything. It’s OK, nothing happened. Just forget about it and let’s go back to how we were. OK? Call me.”

Spencer sighed. She could hear how upset Ashley really was even if the other girl was trying hard to hide it. There was a certain underlying tone of panic hiding beneath the nonchalance that Ashley had tried to convey, especially as the message went on.

And Spencer couldn’t help but smile at her best friends’ thoughtfulness, saying that they could just forget the whole evening if it would make everything all right again.

<It’s a nice thought, and I wish I could, Ash, but…it’s not that simple.> She put the phone back on the nightstand and flopped onto her back.

she lamented. <God, she thinks I ran because I didn’t want to kiss her and that is so not true. I ran because I don’t want to kiss her in a situation like that. And kissing is the least of where my mind keeps going. > She grunted and closed her eyes.

Spencer pulled her comforter up and sighed.

<Well, it’s official: Spencer is never going to speak to me again. I freaking blew it!>

Ashley slammed down her cell phone and glared at her reflection.

“Happy now, you idiot?” she sneered at the mirror. “You always have to be selfish and push just a little further until you screw up everything. God!”

She walked over to her plushy bed and plopped down on top of the covers, absolutely disgusted with herself. She knew that Spencer was in a very difficult and confusing state of mind right now, having visited the same thing herself a while back. She knew how hard the maze of feelings, fears, and insecurities were for anyone experiencing it. She didn’t enjoy watching Spencer struggle with it but at least she was there to help her friend.

If she had to go through the trauma and angst that accompanies the struggle with one’s sexuality, at least unlike Ashley, Spencer wouldn’t be alone. Ashley would make sure to help her and be there for her through the rough patches that were inevitably going to appear. It was already bound to be tough as it was, with Spencer’s mother being the way she was. And that oaf of a brother, Glen. Ashley hated herself for making it worse right from the start.

In Ashley’s mind, playing with Aiden’s head was a fun pastime and one that she had no plans to stop anytime soon. He was such a sweet guy but so dim at the same time. Sometimes Ashley found herself wondering why she’d ever really gone as far as she did with him in the first place.

<Although I suppose if I didn’t have that experience then I wouldn’t know that it WASN’T what I want.>

But she did get involved with Aiden and there was almost a child involved. Some days Ashley would wonder what that child would have been like. Most of the time, though, she tried not to think about it.

<There is no future, there is no past. There’s only this moment and I’ll make it last.> Ashley hummed to herself. She knew that with everything that happened between them, she’d be connected to Aiden for the rest of her life.

<Thank God I didn’t do anything stupid with Aiden tonight,> she groaned. She’d gotten as far as the pool without any clothes on and then realized that it probably wasn’t the best thing to do so she had sent a disappointed but understanding Aiden home.

<He can be so freaking sweet that I wonder about HIS sexuality,> she giggled slightly at that thought and stuck her tongue into her cheek as she thought. <Maybe he’s a lesbian male?> she laughed out loud at that.

But as close and comfortable as she was with him, he wasn’t the one that she wanted to be skinny dipping with. She just didn’t see Spencer being very open to the idea, especially now.

<Everything was fine the way it was. I swore to myself that I’d let Spencer set the pace and what do I do? At the first opportunity to kiss her I jump like a horny BOY! I’m such as ass.>

Not at all tired, Ashley got up and pulled her guitar out and sat back down, strumming softly.

 Ashley sighed. <Damn it, I haven’t felt like this towards anyone in…well a looooooooooooong time. Just seeing her makes my stomach flip and I can’t help but smile. And she’s just so honest and open. She’s there for me when no one else ever is. And if I’ve fucked that up by pushing her, I’m gonna hate myself forever.>

Ashley had never had a friend like Spencer before. Everyone in her life was always so self-involved that sometimes when she was younger, Ashley would wonder if she was invisible. Her father, while good intentioned, was never there and her mother treated her like a burden. Sometimes she wondered why her mother had bothered to have her in the first place since the woman obviously had no maternal instincts or desire to care for anyone but herself and her next bed warmer.

Her friends had always been snobby, self-centered jerks only interested in Ashley for her money or famous father and she never really felt like anyone cared about HER, the person she really was. At least until Spencer Carlin walked into her life. It was only in Spencer’s eyes that Ashley saw someone looking at her for HER. She felt like Spencer really saw her when she looked at her, not like everyone else who always seemed to be looking through her.

Hoping to clear her mind, Ashley played a few songs that usually calmed her when she was feeling so lost. She hoped, one day, to play for Spencer, and only Spencer.

<If she ever speaks to me again. Damn it!> She put her guitar away and then crawled into her bed.

She grinned, thinking of when Spencer said that it was her she was thinking about as she kissed Aiden. The open and wanting look on Spencer’s face was heartbreaking even as it made Ashley’s heart swell with hope and…something she wasn’t sure she wanted to identify just yet.

Then it just seemed natural to put her hand on Spencer’s cheek, feel the soft, smooth surface beneath her fingertips and turn the blonde’s face towards her. Feel the long strands of hair ticking the back of her hand as Spencer turned towards her. Pull her closer and try to whisper away the other girls’ obvious nervousness.

“Shoulda, coulda, woulda,” she muttered to her ceiling. She thought about the wonderful feel of Spencer’s breath on her face, hot and short little pants that Ashley was unsure was entirely fear.

“Damn you Aiden and your typical male sense of timing,” she growled. “At least if I’d been able to kiss her once and she decided never to talk to me again, I’d have THAT.” She gave her pillow a few furious punches before curling up on her side.

 she realized idly as sleep began to creep up on her. <Not healthy.>

Ashley glared at her alarm clock as it reminded her that she actually had to get out of bed and face the day. Fortunately that day didn’t include school for her so she basically had the entire day to herself.

She picked up her phone and checked to see if her blonde friend had called or text her. Sighing at the blank screen, she hauled herself out of bed to get ready.

<Well, I guess that answers my question about whether or not she’s going to speak to me. She would have called by now if she was. Damn it.>

After showering, she got dressed and sat on her bed thinking. After a few minutes, she decided that she wasn’t just going to sit around kicking herself in the ass for her behavior the night before. She was going to go have fun and get her mind off the whole situation if it was the last thing she did.

<I’m not going to call Spencer. If she wants to talk than SHE can call ME. I’m not gonna beg. I’ve got better things to do with myself.>

She grabbed her keys and purse and headed out the door, her anger and self-hatred fueling her steps.

<Besides, after the way I fucked things up, I’ll be lucky if she ever talks to me at all. It’s better to start moving on now and give up on the stupid hope of ever being more than friends.>

She pulled out of the driveway, her destination firmly in mind.

***

Spencer hung up the phone and sighed. She’d been trying all day to reach Ashley but kept getting the feisty brunette’s voicemail. Ashley wasn’t picking up the phone, even when Spencer tried calling from Clay’s cell to trick her friend into picking it up.

<Gosh, she must really be mad at me for running out last night. Not that I blame her, it was pretty rude. But I had to get out of there before I did something that I’d regret later. I DO want to kiss Ashley. Just not in a situation where it feels like a contest, or conquest.>

During the night, Spencer had still been unable to sleep and had spent the entire time thinking about the situation that she now found herself in. Was she gay? Was she straight? All of the above? As much as she agreed with Ashley, she wasn’t into labels she still had to admit that she wanted to know which label fit HER. She wanted to know where she fit in the scheme of things.

So she spent hour after hour in the dark reviewing every relationship that she’d ever had, romantic, friendships, all of it. And the thing that she kept coming back to was the difference between Ashley and anyone else. Ashley got to her unlike anyone had ever before. When she was with Ashley, she didn’t feel like she had any obligation to act in any one way or do anything.

When she had dated boys (or rather, boy, if she didn’t count dabbling with Aiden) she felt like she was living for someone else, doing it because it was expected and she didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Even if it meant sacrificing her happiness, at least she wouldn’t be a ‘failure’ in someone else’s eyes; especially her parents.

The question was: when did she get to live for HER and no one else?

<As soon as I figure out that out, maybe I can figure out my feelings for Ashley. Although that’s pretty easy. I really like her. In a very not-friend sorta way. Rip-off-your-clothes-and-do-things-I’ve-only-read-about way.> Spencer grunted in annoyance with herself.

“Ug, soooooooooooo gay, Spence. You are so gay.”

Monday was a long time in coming and by the time the first bell rang that morning, Spencer was very worried. She hadn’t seen hide or hair of Ashley all weekend. The brunette hadn’t picked up her phone at all and Spencer had left enough messages to fill her voicemail. Still, Ashley hadn’t called.

“Hey, Spencer. Morning!” Aiden greeted her in the hall as she tried to look for her missing friend as well as make it to her first class in some sort of timely manner.

“Oh, hi. Aiden, have you heard from Ashley?” she asked as they both headed to the same math class. Aiden shook his head.

“Not since she sent me home Friday night,” he responded with a frown. “Why?” Spencer bit her lip and sighed.

“I haven’t heard from her all weekend and that’s so unlike Ashley. Even when she’s mad, I can usually get her to at least answer the phone and be sarcastic. But she never picked up.”

“Hmmm,” Aiden hummed as he thought. “I’m sure she’s fine, Spencer. You know how she gets. Things got kinda intense between you two the other night. And she seemed kinda upset when she told me to go home. Ashley probably just wanted to be left alone for a little while. She’ll turn up.” Spencer stopped walking and turned to face her tall friend.

“Wait. She seemed ‘upset’? What? Why?” Aiden shrugged.

“I don’t know. I think what almost happened with you two really shook her up. You know, she likes to pretend to be unaffected by stuff, but you know that it’s a lie, right?” He watched as Spencer nodded. “Anyway, I left and that was the last I saw her.” He placed a calming hand on the blonde’s shoulder. “Listen; don’t let her wind you all up, OK? She’s probably doing this to upset you so that you’ll pay attention to her.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Spencer agreed in a voice that said anything but. “I guess we’ll see.”

By lunch, Spencer was physically ill with worry. She was stalking around the school parking lot looking to see if she could see Ashley’s car but she didn’t have any luck.

“Find her yet?” Aiden asked as he walked up behind Spencer. He could see the tense set of the blonde’s shoulders and the concern written clearly in her blue eyes. Silently he cursed Ashley for putting Spencer through so much worry. Although is he was honest with himself, he was getting kind of worried as well.

<Ashley doesn’t run from her problems, usually. She charges through them usually without thought. So, where the hell is she?> he wondered.

“No, and I’m getting really worried, Aiden,” Spencer frowned.

“Tell you what, after school we’ll go to her house and make sure she’s not just hiding out there,” he suggested, hoping to alleviate Spencer’s growing sense of panic.

She turned and looked the basketball player hope and gratitude shining in her bright eyes.

“Really?” Aiden nodded.

“Sure, it’s no problem. And if Ash isn’t there, maybe her mom will be and we can ask where she went.” Spencer frowned.

“Do you think she’ll know?”

“Knowing her, probably not. She probably doesn’t even know Ashley hasn’t been around,” he replied honestly. Spencer rolled her eyes in disgusted disbelief.

“How can you have a child and not even care about what happens to them?”

It was beyond Spencer to comprehend Ashley’s parents, and not just because her own parents had always been so attentive and caring. It was on a basic level that Spencer found Ashley’s mother and father to be such enigmas. As a human being, she couldn’t understand disregarding someone as sweet and generally awesome as Ashley. Or disregarding anyone with feelings, really.

“I don’t get it either, Spencer. But that is the reality of Ashley’s life and it’s been that way longer than I’ve known her,” Aiden said sorrowfully.

“That’s just so…sad,” Spencer complained.

“Don’t let Ash hear you say that,” Aiden teased. “The last thing she’d want is your pity.”

“I know,” Spencer sighed. The after lunch bell rang sending students scurrying around the quad.

“I gotta go, Spence, I got a test in history. Meet me hear after school and we’ll go, ok?” Spencer nodded.

“I’ll be waiting.”

Spencer was waiting for Aiden by his car when he exited the school. He tried to greet her but by then she was so wound up with worry that she wasn’t in the mood to talk.

<If you’re sitting at home doing your freaking nails, Ashley, I’m gonna kill you,> she decided as she watched the familiar scenery on the route to Ashley’s house pass by the window of the car.

<If you’re home and just being a bitch by not talking to Spencer, making her worry like this, I am going to be so pissed at you Ashley,> Aiden fumed.

They pulled up to the driveway and Spencer hopped out of the car.

“She’s not here, Aiden! Her car is gone!” Aiden walked up to Spencer and tried to calm her by putting his arm around her shoulders.

“Let’s see if her mother is home,” he suggested. A few minutes later they left disappointed. Her mother hadn’t seen Ashley since Saturday when the girl had come home, packed a bag and said she’d be back ‘eventually’.

“I can’t believe that she has no idea where her own daughter is,” Spencer grumbled as they drove to her house.

“Me either but at least she didn’t seem concerned,” Aiden pointed out. Spencer shot him a dirty look.

“Like she’d be concerned if Ashley ran through the house on fire,” she scoffed. “She doesn’t care. That much is obvious. God, where IS she?”

“Look, getting yourself all wound up over this isn’t going to help. Ashley’s been taking car of herself for a long time and I’m sure she’s fine. Like I said this morning, she’ll turn up eventually.”

“Hopefully, she won’t turn up on a slab in the downtown morgue,” Spencer sighed.

By Friday afternoon, Spencer was genuinely sick. And she had managed to scare away anyone who dared get close enough to talk to her with her attitude. Since Monday, her behavior had rapidly declined to snapping and biting off everyone’s head. She couldn’t eat, she hadn’t slept and she felt like crap.

Despite all this, when her phone rang and she Ashley’s number on the caller ID screen, Spencer grinned from ear to ear and relief poured through her body.

“Ashley, where the hell have you been?” she demanded to know although her voice carried obvious affection and warmth. She was upset that the brunette hadn’t been in touch but overjoyed that she was evidently all right now that she was calling.

“Hi, uh, is this Spencer, Ashley’s friend?” a nervous male voice asked from the other end. Spencer felt her stomach plummet to her knees.

“Yes, it is. Who are you and where’s Ashley?”

“This is her dad, Danger Davies. Look, Spencer? Ashley’s here and she’s fine. Well sorta,” he paused.

“What’s wrong? Where is she?” Spencer was beyond confused. Why would Ashley be at her fathers? And where WAS her father's house?

“She’s here at my house in Venice Beach. I guess she’s been here all week from the look of things,” he started to explain.

“Can I talk to her?” Spencer asked. She needed to hear Ashley’s voice to reassure herself that her friend really was all right.

“She’s kinda…well; she’s very drunk right now, Spencer. And I have to be at the airport for a show in Chicago soon. I was hoping, since you’re all she talks about when we talk, that you could come watch her. Really I would but I gotta go play ‘circus monkey’ for the label and…”

<Drunk? Ashley’s drunk? What the hell is going on here?> Spencer wondered.

“I don’t have a driver’s license and I’m at school so my brothers can’t bring me…” she frantically tried to think of a way to get to Venice Beach.

“I already sent a car for you before I called,” Danger broke into Spencer’s train of thought. “I figured I’d at least, for once, think ahead and hope that you’d agree to come help me with her. You’re like, the only good friend she’s got.”

Spencer let out a relieved breath knowing that she could at least get to Ashley now.

“Of course. I’ll be waiting outside the school for the car. Will you be there when I get there?”

“Yeah. I don’t hafta leave ‘til later. I just don’t want to leave her alone and I sure don’t wanna have to call her mother,” the distaste in his tone came across very clearly. Spencer couldn’t blame him. She didn’t like that woman either.

“But I’ll see you when you get here. Thank you so much Spencer. I owe you.”

Spencer hung up her phone and went to see if she could find Clay so that she could explain where she was going and hope that he’d help to cover for her. How she would explain to her mother why she ditched school and took a ride to Venice Beach to take care of a drunken Ashley.

<Yeah, that’ll improve my mother’s opinion of her,> she scoffed. <Although on the up side, a famous rock musician now owes me a favor.>

Danger greeted Spencer as she walked up the pathway to the sprawling mansion. He smiled slightly and extended his hand to shake Spencer’s.

“It’s great finally getting to meet you,” he said as he led the teen indoors. “Although I wish it wasn’t like this and Ash wasn’t out cold.”

“Where is she? Can I see her?” Danger smiled at his daughter’s friend.

“She’s in the master bedroom, this way.”

He started to lead Spencer through the house, telling her what he knew of the story before she even had a chance to ask.

“I don’t spend a lot of time here or at my place in Laurel Canyon. I know I really should cuz they’re close to Ash and all but my managers and such keep me constantly on the move,” he explained. “But Ash has keys to all my houses and can stay in any of them whenever she wants. I stopped in last night on my way through to grab some stuff from the studio, and I found her drunk off her ass, wandering the house.”

He sighed and ran a hand through his unruly white hair.

“No matter what I said, she wouldn’t talk to me or tell me what was wrong. Then I tried to keep the liquor away from her but that didn’t seem to help. And I gotta get going soon or I’ll miss my flight and then the label will kill me.”

He opened the door to what Spencer assumed was the master bedroom and there was Ashley, sprawled out across the bed, fully clothed. The smell of alcohol in the room was nearly enough to make Spencer gag.

She walked over and brushed Ashley’s messy bangs off the unconscious girl’s forehead.

“Oh Ashley, what have you done?” she whispered. Danger hovered at the door and cleared his throat.

“Hey, uhm, if you’ve got this, I gotta go. My manager called and said that the flight got bumped up and I have to go.”

“We’ll be fine,” Spencer assured him.

“OK, look, anything you need, just call the butler and he’ll take care of it. He lives in the guest house across the way. I told him to do whatever you told him to but to stay out of your way. If you get hungry, help yourself to the kitchen, it’s fully loaded.” He walked over and kissed his daughter on the forehead.

“Take care of her for me, OK? And have her call me when the hang-over’s through.” Spencer nodded.

“I will.” Danger left, shutting the door behind him, leaving Spencer alone with Ashley’s prone figure.

“Let’s get you actually out of these smelly clothes. You reek, hon.” Spencer stood up and walked to the other side of the bed where Ashley’s feet dangled over the edge. She removed her friend’s sneakers and socks, sighing when there was no reaction save a snort as Ashley slept on.

Smirking, Spencer thought of a different approach.

She went into the adjoining bathroom and turned the shower on as cold as she could and then went back for Ashley. It took a few minutes of work, but she managed to haul Ashley into the bathroom.

“This would be so much easier if you’d just walk,” Spencer growled at the girl slumped over her shoulder. She then put Ashley’s head into the shower. The water splashed down on the drooping head for a few moments until the drunk teen reacted.

“Holy fuck!” Ashley tried to remove her head from the shower but Spencer was stronger given that Ashley was still inebriated and kept the girl’s head under the spray.

“Wha’ th’ fuck you doin’?” Ashley barked.

“Wakey wakey!” Spencer yelled back. “OK ALL IN!” She shoved Ashley bodily into the cold water, watching as Ashley stumbled and only caught herself on the far wall. She turned, wobbled and then glared at Spencer.

“Some friend you are,” she spat angrily. Spencer crossed her arms across her chest and smiled.

“It’s exactly because I’m your friend that I’m standing here right now,” she pointed out calmly. “And that’s the same reason why I know I’ll be holding your hair back when you start puking later.” Ashley had the good grace to look sheepish.

“Can I get out of the shower, please?” Spencer nodded and helped her staggering friend out of the water and then turned it off. Ashley shivered and her teeth chattered from where she was sitting on the closed toilet seat.

“Where’s your room so that I can get you some dry clothes?” Spencer asked, placing a towel around her chilled friend.

“Th…third door onna left,” Ashley slurred.

“Stay right there,” Spencer ordered. She went down the hall into what was obviously Ashley’s room once you opened the door and after a few moments found some underwear and pajamas and headed back to the bathroom. Ashley was still sitting on the toilet seat although she was now leaned back with her yes closed.

“Hey, wake up or it’s shower time again,” Spencer warned. Her voice was light though. She couldn’t be mad at Ashley, even for behavior this stupid. At least not until she had a chance to speak to the girl. When she was sober, that is.

“’M awake,” Ashley countered. She opened one eye and looked at her friend. “How th’ hell did you get here?” Spencer smirked as she helped Ashley strip off her soaking wet top.

“Your dad. He called me and asked me to come help. He even sent a car and everything.”

“Is he still here?” The hopefulness in the brunette’s voice broke Spencer’s heart.

“No, sweetie, I’m sorry,” she said sadly. “He had to go to Chicago for a concert.” She watched as Ashley’s face fell.

“Oh.”

“He wants you to call him later, though. When you’re sober and feeling better. Come on, off with the bra, you can’t sleep in it all wet and cold.”

“’m too tired,” Ashley whined and didn’t move. Spencer sighed and reached around her friend to undo the contraption. She suppressed a shiver as Ashley leaned her wet head against her chest.

<It’s just cuz her hair is cold and wet> she told herself. She then quickly pulled the dry shirt over Ashley’s wet hair and shook her head.

“You’re on your own for the pants, toots,” she turned around and heard Ashley swearing behind her as the girl tried to strip off the rest of her dripping clothes.

“Spence, I can’t. Th’ room keeps spinnin’,” she cried a few moments later.

“Fine. At least you’re too drunk to remember this tomorrow.” She helped pull the wet jeans down Ashley’s legs and then let the drunk girl stand up and lean on her to remove her underwear.

“Come on, Spence. Ya got me undressed. I’m not all that bad, am I?” Spencer rolled her eyes at her friend’s lame come on.

“I’m sure you’re fine. You’re also drunk as hell and so not attractive right now.” Ashley pouted as Spencer helped her pull on dry panties and bottoms.

“But you do think I’m pretty, right?” she wondered. Spencer couldn’t help but smile.

“When you’re sober, you are beautiful,” she replied honestly, looking deep into Ashley’s doe like eyes. “But right now, you not only look like a drowned rat, but you smell like a bar. And neither of those things is attractive. Now, let’s get your hair dry and then get you into bed.”

“HA! Knew you wanted me ‘n bed,” Ashley tilted to one side, forcing Spencer to move quickly to prevent her from falling completely over.

“Your ego never fails to amaze,” she laughed as she guided Ashley back into the bedroom and sat her on the side of the bed. She then started drying Ashley’s damp locks, using slow languid motions, making sure that she left no moisture in her friends’ hair.

“Mmmm feels good,” Ashley moaned, her head falling limply from her shoulders as Spencer massaged her scalp. Spencer smiled to herself.

“And come tomorrow, you won’t remember any of it,” she chuckled. She tossed the now wet towel onto a nearby chair and pulled the bed covers down.

“OK, into bed with you.” She helped Ashley under the covers as the inebriated girl started to fall asleep again. She kissed Ashley softly on the forehead and pulled up the covers. Suddenly, Ashley grasped her wrist in a death grip.

“Please stay. Don’ go,” she begged. Spencer felt tears stinging her eyes at the lost tone to her friend’s voice.

“I’m not going anywhere, sweetie. I just need to get changed and call my parents. Then I’ll come right back, I promise.” Ashley nodded and curled up on her side.

“’k.”

Spencer lucked out in the fact that her overprotective mother was working late at the hospital and she got to explain the situation to her father instead. She gave him a somewhat edited version of the circumstances that included her location and that Ashley was very sick.

<So what if she isn’t so much ‘sick’ as incredibly hung-over?> Spencer giggled to herself. She disliked lying to her parents but was finding that she had to more and more often, especially to her mother, if she had any interest in having a life.

Her father simply told her to call again in the morning with an update and for Spencer not to worry about her mother, he’d deal with her. He just wanted her to take care of her friend and to call if she needed anything. There were times when Spencer really adored her father.

She then went to Ashley’s room and got something comfortable to sleep in. She poked around, looking at the room to learn another aspect of Ashley’s multifaceted personality. Her room in LA was big and brassy, graffiti on the wall and generally like Ashley herself: bigger than life. This room was much more subtle. Spencer figured that Ashley must not stay there a lot because the room was geared more towards Ashley’s younger years. The posters were a few years old and it didn’t have the sort of electronic equipment that her usual room had. Other than the clothes being recent, the room itself was more of a testament to her childhood.

Unlike Ashley’s room at her mother’s house, this room had a huge bookcase in the corner, stacked full of books, mostly hardcover. Spencer smiled as she read some of the titles, seeing everything from ‘Harry Potter’ to ‘A Wrinkle in Time’ and other classic children’s books. But, being that it was Ashley’s, Spencer wasn’t surprised to see a complete tome of Edgar Allen Poe as well as works by Shakespeare, Frost, Dahl, and a few names she herself was unfamiliar with.

She pulled out a book, the unauthorized guide to Ashley’s father’s career and flipped through the pages, catching a glimpse or two of her friend as a small child. Putting it back, she spied a picture of Ashley sitting on the table beside the bed. It was probably taken when she was around age 7, on the beach with her father, sitting atop his shoulders and smiling from ear to ear. It was so cute that she took it back with her to the master bedroom and put it on the bedside table so that Ashley would see it in the morning.

She wandered the house, gathering the things that she knew she’d need. It was a beautiful house but very empty.

<Kinda like Ashley’s childhood> Spencer sighed.

“You must be Spencer,” a male voice stated from behind her. She jumped in surprise and turned to see a young man behind her. He was probably in his thirties, tan and buff.

<Must be the…butler?> Spencer wondered.

“I’m Kevin, the housekeeper,” he explained, extending his hand. Spencer shook it while frowning.

“The butler?” she asked. Kevin laughed.

“If you want to be all formal about it, sure. I prefer ‘housekeeper’. Danger keeps me around to watch the house, keep the fridge stocked and keep an eye out for Ashley if she shows up.” Spencer nodded in understanding.

“I’m about to head in for the night. Is there anything you needed before I go?” he asked.

“A bucket, in case Ashley gets sick. And where can I find some aspirin?”

“Here,” Kevin reached under the sink and grabbed a large bucket that he then handed to Spencer. “That should do. And there should be aspirin in every medicine cabinet in all the bathrooms along with some Pepto and stuff like that.”

“Great, thanks,” Spencer smiled. Kevin nodded.

“No problem. If you need anything else, the number to the guest house is posted next to each phone. Just call, don’t worry about what time it is. If Ash needs help, please call.”

“Thanks again. I will.” Kevin nodded and left Spencer alone again. She returned to the master bedroom with what she felt she needed, putting the bucket on the side of the bed. She placed the various other things she knew she’d need if Ashley got sick on the bedside table and crawled into bed beside Ashley.

She turned on her side to face Ashley’s back and reached over to pull the sleeping brunette’s hair away from her face.

“Sleep well, Ash. We’re going to have a long talk when you’re up to it.” After debating for a few minutes, she moved closer to her friend and molded her body into Ashley’s warm back, spooning her. She tossed one arm around Ashley’s midsection and pulled the other girl a little closer.

Ashley murmured happily in her sleep and snuggled into the embrace.

<Heh, Ash’s a snuggler. I love it.> Spencer smiled to herself. She scooted that extra millimeter over and gave a quick kiss to the back of Ashley’s neck before settling back down and deciding to catch up on her sleep.

“I love you, Ash,” she whispered. Her eyes slid shut but as she drifted off, Spencer could have sworn she heard Ashley’s soft, sleep-filled respond.

“I love you too, Spence.”

Roughly two hours later, Spencer’s surprisingly relaxing sleep was interrupted by Ashley gagging and choking as she began to get sick. Spencer was immediately awake as she pulled Ashley upright and then hung the ill girl’s head over the side of the bed towards the bucket she’s put there earlier just in case. A few minutes later, Ashley’s stomach seemed to calm down so Spencer leaned off the bed, picked up the bucket and put it into the brunette’s shaky hands.

“Thanks,” she murmured to Spencer, closing her eyes and trying to concentrate on her breathing while her stomach whirled around inside like it was riding the Goliath at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Spencer watched as some of the green tint to Ashley’s normally bronze skin seemed to fade.

“Are you OK?” Spencer asked softly, sitting alongside Ashley and stroking the girls back while she brushed the strands of sweat soaked hair away from Ashley’s face.

Ashley shook her head slightly, immediately regretting the action.

“No,” she whimpered, putting her head back over the bucket when her stomach rebelled again.

Spencer held Ashley’s hair off her face and tried to support the straining body. Ashley coughed and gagged pitifully.

“Kill me…please,” she begged between wretches. Spencer smiled lovingly.

“I can’t do that, hon. Cuz then you’d never learn your lesson.” She reached over to the nightstand and picked up one of the damp wash cloths that she’d set on the table earlier. She wiped down Ashley’s forehead, her cheeks, and down around the back of her neck, soothing the flushed skin and cleaning away the sweat that had gathered.

“I don’ wanna ‘learn my lesson’. I wan’ be put outta my misery,” Ashley whined. Spencer hugged her from the side.

“Are you ever going to drink like that again?” she asked, softly petting the drunken girl’s cheek. Ashley’s eyes fluttered shut at the gentle contact.

<She must be so mad at me> Ashley sighed, disgusted with herself. <She’s just being nice cuz I’m barfing>

“No,” she admitted.

“Then you’ve learned your lesson. Here, drink some water and take the aspirin with it, OK?” Spencer encouraged. She watched the other girl slowly sip the water. “Not too much too fast, hon. We don’t want you to yak again.”

Ashley took the aspirin and then ran a shaky hand through her matted hair. She looked at Spencer, her normally bright chocolate eyes rimmed in red and watery.

“Do you hate me?” she questioned Spencer, fear lacing each word. If Spencer hated her, Ashley knew that her life was over. Without Spencer as some sort of grounding, she would simply fly off the planet, no longer restrained by the laws of gravity. She would fly away, never to be seen or reached by another person again.

<She hates me! She must by now after everything I’ve done!> Ashley started to cry, devastated that the one person she felt had ever cared for her, now hated her.

“No, of course not, honey,” Spencer turned the upset girl towards her and pulled her close, enveloping the still shaking form tightly in the circle of her arms.

“I could never hate you, Ashley. Never,” the blonde whispered and kissed the top of the head that was now pressed against her chest. She could hear Ashley’s soft sobs and it broke her heart.

“Shhh, don’t cry,” she tried to calm her normally independent and self-sufficient friend. It was strange to see the usually unflappable Ashley so vulnerable and emotionally naked. She reached down and tilted Ashley’s face up so that she could see into her eyes. She wiped the tears from Ashley’s face with the pads of her thumbs, letting the rest of her hands cup the sides of Ashley’s face and disappear into her hair.

“I don’t hate you, Ashley. Even with you like this. You are my best friend and you mean everything to me. Now calm down and lay back before you get sick again.” She helped the sniffling girl lay back down and wiped Ashley’s forehead with the damp cloth again.

“You don’t?” Ashley’s voice was weak but the astonishment in it was very clear. Spencer smiled.

“That’s right, I don’t. Now, back to sleep. You need to rest. We’ll talk about all this tomorrow when you’re feeling better.” Ashley smiled so brightly that Spencer could have sworn that it was daylight outside. The relief was so plainly evident on the older girl’s face that Spencer immediately felt guilty. And angry. Not at Ashley but at the young woman’s lonely upbringing that had made her so insecure in the first place.

<Your parents have no idea what a great daughter they have> she thought sadly as she lay down along with Ashley and the shorter girl curled up on her side, facing Spencer. Spencer smiled as Ashley’s arm snaked around her waist as she lay on her back and the brunette’s head came to rest on her shoulder.

She knew, and it was confirmed by Aiden earlier in the week that Ashley’s exterior was simply a façade. Ashley pretended to be untouchable, aloof and uncaring about what everyone said about her or did to her in order to hide her deep-seated hurt and anxiety. She didn’t want to ever hurt again, so Ashley had created the artificial ‘bad-ass’ persona to protect her feelings and to hide her feeling of worthlessness.

<You shouldn’t have to live like that.> Spencer sighed, brushing at Ashley’s long dark hair with one hand.

She waited until Ashley’s breathing was slow and even signaling the other girl’s descent into sleep before letting her own eyes drift shut.

Her last thoughts as she drifted off were about how she’d find a way to make Ashley feel as special and wanted as she truly was.

Ashley woke up several hours later, rolling over to look for the warm body she vaguely recalled being pressed up against her while she slept. Confusion marred her usually beautiful features as she found the bed empty.

She rolled onto her side, facing where she thought Spencer ought to have been and hugging the pillow to herself. The sudden movement made her already pounding headache increase and tears borne of loneliness and pain rolled down her face.

She sobbed into the pillow, making her headache worse and feeling a twinge of returning nausea.

She was so distraught that she didn’t hear the bedroom door opening.

“Oh, why are you crying, Ash?” Spencer asked lovingly as she set down the plate of food that she collected from the kitchen. Ashley sat nearly straight up in surprise, then groaned in pain and put her hands to the sides of her head.

“You’re here? You were real?” she murmured, trying to hold her head together for fear that it was about to split wide open and spill her brains onto the carpet. She felt the bed dip as Spencer sat on the edge next to her.

“Of course I’m real,” Spencer soothed, brushing a lock of Ashley’s dark hair behind her ear. “How are you feeling?” Ashley lifted her head and opened her eyes to verify that Spencer was really there and she wasn’t imagining things. She managed a weak smile when she saw Spencer’s concerned face.

“My head hurts,” she admitted softly. Even the sound of her own voice seemed like it was enough to make her head explode.

“Here, I brought more aspirin and water,” Spencer whispered, mindful of the hang over headache her best friend was suffering with. She’d suffered through one herself no that long ago the night of Ashley’s club performance. Ashley obediently took the offered items and then sighed.

“I woke up and you weren’t there. I thought I’d imagined you,” she explained. Spencer grinned.

“No, I’m quite real. I even threw you in a cold shower and held your hair back as you yakked.” She watched as Ashley blushed furiously. “Come on, I brought you some toast and orange juice.” Ashley made a disgusted face.

“Oh God, no…no food, I’ll puke again,” she protested, feeling her stomach flop at the mere thought of eating.

“Just a piece, take small bites,” Spencer instructed. “You need some food in your system. You were really sick last night and you need to build your strength back up.” She watched intently while Ashley nibbled on a corner of the toast.

“I am so sorry that you had to see that…” the brunette began. Spencer shook her head.

“It’s OK, I didn’t mind. You needed me so I was here. Don’t ever doubt that, Ashley. I’ll be there if you need me, always,” Spencer declared firmly. She wanted Ashley to understand that someone cared; someone would always be there for her. And that that ‘someone’ would be Spencer herself.

“But I’ll admit that I didn’t like seeing you like that. And to know that it probably had something to do with me…well that hurt, Ash.” Tears leaked down the hung-over girl’s face at the pain in her friend’s voice.

“I’m sorry…” Ashley breathed, dropping the toast from numb fingers. “I’m sorry…” Spencer moved to hug the girl, wrapping her arms around her tightly.

“It’s OK. I just want…Ash, next time one of us is upset; can we please just talk about it instead of avoiding each other or drinking? Please?” She pulled away and wiped at the fallen tears much like the way she had earlier during the night, letting her hands linger on Ashley’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Ashley sniffled. Spencer gave her a small smile.

“I think we covered that, hon,” she joked. “But I’m just as much to blame here as you are. I am so sorry about last week. That night…”

“Don’t,” Ashley cut off, her voice soft and pleading. “Please let’s not talk about that. I get it; I screwed up and if I could take it back, what almost happened, I would. It’s just, if you hate me or don’t want to be friends anymore because of that or if it makes you uncomfortable…I don’t know if I can deal with…”

“Ashley, Ashley,” Spencer cut her off. “You’re rambling. And while it’s cute to watch, you’re jumping to the wrong conclusions.” Ashley frowned and then winced as her head pounded.

“Tell you what, Ms Davies,” Spencer started to tease. “You eat your toast and lay back down while I go take a shower and then I have to call home. We can have this talk later when you’re feeling better.”

“Ok,” the other girl agreed, picking up her toast again.

Spencer dried herself off and then threw on some of Ashley’s clothes before peeking in the bedroom to check on Ashley. The brunette was asleep on her back, snoring softly. Chuckling quietly, Spencer shut the door and walked down the hall towards the kitchen to call home.

“Hello?” Spencer winced as her mother Paula picked up the phone.

“Hi Mom,” she tried to sound nonchalant, like she didn’t just spend the night in some strange house in Venice Beach.

“Spencer! Where the hell are you? What do you think you’re doing? You are going to be grounded for a month when you get home!” Spencer rolled her eyes.

“Mom? Stop yelling, please. Didn’t you talk to Dad…” she started. Her mother’s impatient ‘huff’ cut her off.

“Of course I spoke to him. He said that you were at Ashley’s father’s house taking care of Ashley. And I’m upset with him for not demanding that you come right home.”

“Mom, Ashley needed my help…”

“I’ve told you that I don’t want you hanging around with her. I certainly don’t want you staying over with her in some strange man’s house. Especially not without supervision,” Paula preached angrily. Spencer rolled her eyes again and stuck her tongue out at her mother, glad that the older woman couldn’t see her.

“He’s not a strange man, Mom. He’s a world famous musician. And as for Ashley, she was very sick and there was no one here to take care of her,” she tried to explain.

“She has parents, Spencer. It’s their job to take care of her, not yours. And Glen tells me that Ashley wasn’t in school all week. Why didn’t she need help until the WEEKEND?” Spencer ground her teeth together in irritation.

“She was staying with her father for the week while he was in town,” she boldly lied, angry at her mother for being so judgmental and for not understanding. “She got sick Friday and he had to get to Chicago for a show so he called me to take care of her. And you KNOW how Ashley’s parents are. They aren’t there to take care of her. They could care less.”

“What help did you hope to be? If she were sick, then her father should have called a doctor; not a teenager.” Her mother was getting angrier and angrier. Then again, so was Spencer.

“So what, Mom? Just pawn the poor girl off in some random hospital where she knows no one and no one cares about what happens to her? No, Mom, her father wanted someone here who actually CARES about Ashley.” In the back of her mind, Spencer realized that lying to her mother so much was bound to backfire at her at some point. Right now she really didn’t care. There was no way that she was ever going to get her mother to understand the situation.

“Spencer, that girl is a bad influence on you. She has no grounding, no spirituality, and no family support. I won’t even mention her ‘lifestyle choice’.”

“You just did!” Spencer barked angrily. She hated the expression ‘lifestyle choice’.

“And it’s not a CHOICE, Mom. God, I hate that.”

“Look at the way you’re acting. You were never like this in Ohio. And it’s Ashley that’s made you this way. I don’t want you around someone like that. I raised you better than that,” Paula snapped. Spencer lost the little that was left of her temper.

“You raised me to be a good friend! To take care of the people who are important to me and not to judge people because they might be different from me! God, Mom, is it ‘do as I say, not as I do’ with you?”

“Spencer Carlin, don’t you take that tone with me,” her mother growled.

“Fine, whatever, Mom. Tell Dad that I’ll be home tomorrow night. Ashley’s starting to feel better but I don’t want her to drive until she’s stronger. I’m sorry if that bothers you, Mom. But you need to see that I’m not a baby anymore. I can make my own decisions and you have to learn to trust me at some point.” She hung up the phone without waiting for what she knew would be an acerbic response.